TARGET: JOHNNY DEPP
by Leah Emilio-Depp
Summary: OMG, is that Jack Sparrow trying to kill johnny Depp? I think it is... OMG, is that Jack Sparrow NAKED? No... its just a bird....But, seriously, the story's about Jack trying t'kill Johnny... enjoy! LAST CHAPTER IS UP!
1. The Imposter

BEWARE: BAD GRAMMAR, SUB-PLOTS, TASTE IN HUMOR AND CHARACTERIZATION WILL PERSIST THROUGHOUT STORY!!! NO, REALLY!!! Have fun. o.0

And thus, IT began. After a unseen, freak accident involving three squirrels, an Spanish-English dictionary and a REALLY angry Spaniard: Jack Sparrow, William Turner and Elizabeth Swan were all sent to the 21st century. Yes, I can even hear the readers saying: "What? That's no way to be sent to the 21st century!"… Live with it.

TARGET: JOHN CHRISTOPHER DEPP II

Our witty Captain Jack Sparrow searched the house he was in, making sure, in this unfamiliar setting, there would be none to interfere with his plans. The glowing portrait-box had intoxicated him, as it's ever changing, life-like paintings emitted sound to match the pictures. He had found out how to operate this baffling machine after about half an hour of fumbling with the buttons on the bottom.

And, then, he had settled on one channel to watch. He was absolutely awe-struck.

However, it was not the sound or the miracle of these moving-pictures that entranced Jack Sparrow, but who was ON the television screen: himself.

An exact facsimile… this man… this-this IMPOSTER, although not the REAL thing, was VERY good at being him: he had even quoted his favorite song!

"_Drink up me hearties, yo ho!" _sang the imposter as the screen flashed black and a name appeared: Gore Verbinski. Jack stood up.

"AHA! It is this GORE VERBINSKI who is my imposter!! I SHALL- AHA! It is TED ELLIOT who is my imposter! AHA! It is TERRY ROSIO who is my imposter!" Jack went through the names of all the credited people until the credits started to scroll; right next to his name was a name he had seen previously: Johnny Depp.

"Whoever this "Johnny Depp" fellow is, he's impersonating me and ruining my honor!" he unsheathed his sword:

"It is clear to me now: Johnny Depp… must DIE!!"

At that moment, a teenaged girl was heard walking through her front door, whistling Beyoncé's "irreplaceable".

She stopped dead in her tracks as she saw the pirate look her straight into the eye.

"You, girl- tell me where I may find a man by the name of Johnny Depp!" he said, grabbing her by the shoulders.

"AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!!!!!!!" she yelled, picking up a vase and smashing it over his head.

"GEEZ! WHAT'D YOU DO THAT FOR!? I just wanna' know where Johnny Depp-"

Another vase.

"How many of those things do you have!?!?!!??"

"GET OUTTA' MY HOUSE!!!" yelled he girl, "YOU-YOU- FREAK!!!"

Jack shielded his head from flying glass projectiles as he ran out the open door. After he heard the door slam shut behind him, he walked a couple blocks before sitting on the curb, dazed and confused with this strange world.

"NOW how am I supposed to get to Johnny Depp's house?" he said, kicking a small pebble. "Don't even know who the bloody bastard is…"

It was, actually quite impossible if he wanted to get to ANY of Johnny's houses: for, you see, he was currently in Augusta, Maine, which meant he was approximately 1350 miles away from his island in the Bahamas, 2664 miles away from his mansion in Los Angeles, and 3315 miles away from his estate in France.

Jack Sparrow, like any other man who's recent dreams and ambitions have been gutted and slaughtered, immediately became depressed, and set off, in this queer, new time period to find somewhere where he could sulk. Jack walked approximately two miles unnoticed before he decided to enter a strip mall. Of course, walking through a strip mall dressed as Captain Jack Sparrow is like walking through a strip mall dressed like… … well, Captain Jack Sparrow: you're gonna' be noticed sooner or later.

Jack's head was hanging down so low, he didn't notice that a group of people had began to accumulate behind him. One brave, brunette teenaged girl with braces and an Edward Scissorhands t-shirt on and black clogs dared speak to him. her eyes were transfixed on his hair.

"Can… uh, I see your wrist?" asked the girl, awe-struck. Jack unenthusiastically held it up for her to see.

"Oh, my GOD!! _**HE**_ HAS THE SAME TATTOO AS YOU!! OPEN YOUR MOUTH!!!" yelled the girl. The gold teeth were in all the correct places. The girl screamed REALLY loudly.

"JOHNNY DEPP!!!! I LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE YOU!!!!" the girl grabbed onto his leg.

"You know Johnny Depp?!" Jack asked, urgently, ignoring the fact some random girl was holding onto his leg like a five-foot leech. She could not hear the distraught pirate, for dozens more people surrounded the two.

"Leah says it's Johnny Depp! Is she right?"

"She MUST be right, she's a Johnny Depp FREAK: she knows EVERYTHING about him!"

"Then it MUST be him!"

"LET'S RIP OFF HIS CLOTHES AND SELL THEM TO PEOPLE!!!"

The crowd cheered and lunged atop Jack Sparrow.

"AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!!!!!" he yelled, someone ripping off some beads from his hair. Leah, sensing danger, grabbed Jack by the hand and unsheathed his sword.

"BACK OFF, WEIRDOS: I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS DAY **FOR EVER**" said the girl, swinging the sword back and forth until everyone else backed off. The hyperventilating pirate stared at the braces of the girl, wondering why in the world someone would put metal on their teeth.

"Thank you for rescuing me, little girl, but I REALLY need to find that man you were talking about."

"Huh?"

"Johnny Depp." The girl looked at him for a while, confused, until regaining her smile, exclaiming:

"Oh!! I get it!"

"You're _getting_ something?" asked Jack, unfamiliar with the term.

"You're trying some new acting strategy to get into persona, right?"

Jack had absolutely no idea what the hell this girl was talking about, but she obviously KNEW Johnny Depp better than those other losers, so he'd just have to wait this one out.

"Um… aye?" he said. The girl giggled.

"Well, whadya' need to know,'_ Jack Sparrow_'?" she giggled again.

"You're just too creepy, tell me where Johnny Depp lives and get away from me!" he said. The girl still smiled.

"He's buying another house somewhere, but the ones he ahs right now are in the Bahamas, France, and Los Angeles… "

"Not familiar with the last one…"

"Los Angeles is- oh… wait, I remember… eighteenth century…" Jack was about to run away screaming form this strange little girl… what the hell was she talking about!?

Killing this Johnny Depp person was going to be A LOT harder than he suspected…

---------------

"What is this carry-on luggage? I don't want to carry my luggage! I don't have luggage!"

"I'm afraid that you're going to have step in here with me."

The scary girl said he could get to France on an airplane… whatever the frick that was… it was nice of her to show him how to get a ticket… but it was proving to be difficult getting through security.

"NO!! I have ticket and I'm getting on that airplane!!!"

It was kind of hard for a man with a sword AND a gun to get onto a plane… for some reason that had to do with terror- ists.

"It's not like I'm going to kill anyone!"

"We don't want to take the chance, sir." A fat security officer said, tugging on his arm. Jack cocked his gun, shoving it into his face.

"Move away," Jack said.

"No."

"Move!"

"No, I can not just step aside and let you escape."

"You're lucky, boy- this shot's not meant for you."

At that moment, three men jumped on top of him, grabbing his gun. Jack unsheathed his sword.

"SIR, DROP YOU'RE WEAPON!!!"

Jack was receiving A LOT of attention and, letting his guard down, dropped his weapon, in which the three men restrained him and walked with him toward a locked room.

Jack managed to overpower the men, kicked one of them in the shin, the other in the crotch, and head butted the last, in which, afterwards he made a run to the food court, being chased by an entire group of people.

"_A minor setback, but I swear, Johnny Depp: I WILL KILL YOU!!!!!_"

TO BE CONTINUED…

AUTHOR'S NOTE: this story is patented… if that's even possible… or should I say copyrighted? Whatever… after I write the end to this story I'm going to write similar stories for Elizabeth and Will.


	2. The Bad Idea

"MUST- FIND- terminal-!!" Jack Sparrow said, underneath his breath.

"_Where is Gate C-2? I'm supposed to be looking for a gate? There are no gates here_!" Jack Sparrow thought to himself as he ran past a food court.

"STOP!!!" yelled one of the security patrols.

Of course, Jack only quickened his speed at the patrol's demand. This building's enormousness confused Jack, as he turned a corner only to find another HUGE hallway imbued wall to wall with people.

One man, Jack noted, was on a strange transportation vehicle that resembled a strange, horseless carriage-yet it only accompanied one or two people. Jack knew one thing, he was getting tired, perhaps he can use this!

Jack boarded the golf cart and kicked off the man.

"Sorry, mate!" he yelled after him. But, when Jack got on the vehicle, it didn't move!

"FORWARD!!!" he said, pointing his finger forward. Jack, in a fit of anger, stamped his foot on the gas pedal. It lunged forward.

Jack was going dangerously fast, as dozens of people were jumping out of the way, and yelling profanities he didn't understand.

"_That one man had his mid-finger elevated... he should see a doctor about that…,"_ Jack thought to himself, as a man flipped him off.

Unfortunately for Jack, his thoughts were interrupted, as there was a fork in the hallway. He tried to turn the wheel in the direction he wanted to, as he was nearing a Starbucks but, with no understanding of 21st century gas-powered vehicles, he turned too sharply as the vehicle turned on it's side, flying into the Starbucks and throwing Jack from it onto the floor.

Something snapped in Jack's hand as he landed on it.

"AUGH!!" the pirate said, looking at his fingers, the thumb being completely dislocated.

"Oh, bugger…this is going to hurt…AUGH!!" he said, snapping his thumb back into place.

"_Don't stop now!! Those disgusting pig-faced men are after you!!_" Jack picked himself up and ran: "_SCREW THE AIRPLANE!! RUN!!!_"

But he didn't know where he was going to run: he would just have to improvise!! Another corner: he turned, more _restaurants_!

"How many restaurants do these pig-people NEED?" Jack whispered, underneath his breath.

He saw one labeled "McDonalds", so he took his chances with that one. Leaping over the counter, several employees screamed as Jack crouched behind the counter, stating:

"Scottish food vendors: if you value you're life, you shall continue to assist your consumers!" he said. Many customers ran away, or were too petrified to do anything. Some were simply transfixed by Jack's beauty.

The employees were too frightened of this pirate-dressed man to comprehend the fact that he had NO weapon to threaten them with at all. They continued to work or, so Jack thought: one of the female employees ran to the back, phoning security.

And, whilst Jack hid from the authorities, the female employee informed the male cashier, who hit Jack on the head once with a pan, yet, failed to knock him out.

"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!?!?" yelled Jack, holding his head. Jack leapt up, throttling the cashier and, of course, completely blowing his cover. Jack rolled his eyes, and began running again.

"_Damn, this is getting tedious_…" he thought,"_ I gotta' end this: NOW_!!" Jack needed to think quick: and, of course, the only option was to get on a plane, any plane!

He ran into a closed off gate, despite the calls of several women around him.

"SIR!! STOP, NOW!!!"

Jack ran has fast as he could: he figured he could make the pilot move as soon as he got on. However, he soon discovered why the woman was yelling at him: there WASN'T any plane. The tunnel led to nothing but concrete and a twenty-foot drop.

"OH-!!!!" Jack knew he had no time for swearing.

"HE'S IN THERE!!!"

A voice came from the outside of the thin hallway he had entered. It was hopeless: he was trapped, he was going to jail, and he WASN'T going to kill Johnny Depp... unless...

"Ugh… I can NOT believe I'm doing this…" he muttered.

Jack Sparrow thought quickly… and jumped onto the concrete.

"AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!!!!!!!!!" yelled Jack, holding his leg.

He had landed on the left one: he could almost FEEL his leg being pushed into his hip upon impact with the ground.

"AUGH!!! _WHY_ DID I THINK THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA!?!?" Jack yelled, holding his arm, which he too thought was broken.

Several guards stood where Jack had previously, awe-struck.

"GET AN AMBULANCE!!!" one blared into his walkie-talkie "WE NEED TO GET THIS MAN TO A HOSPITAL!!"

"Oh… I am good," Jack said, rolling over onto his side. He bit his lip. His head spun and his vision got blurred, until it completely blackened and he slipped into unconsciousness.

-------------

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I've decided NOT to do Elizabeth ones or Will ones, because, so far, Jack has a looooooooooooooooooooooong way to go until he gets to Johnny... hell, his leg's broken! There'd just be too many chapters and it'd get tedious… I luv that word…

R


	3. The Hospital

"AUGH!!! RARRRRGH!!! MOVE FASTER, DARNIT, MY LEG'S BROKEN HERE!!"

Jack Sparrow scolded as he sat up, facing the hospital workers.

"Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to SIT DOWN-"

"Don't you tell me what to do, my leg is BROKEN!!!" Jack yelled into the ear of the man.

Many people gathered around to see the deranged man on the stretcher board into the ambulance. The man trying to calm down the angered pirate whispered something to the man driving the ambulance, as he searched around the cabinets for a very special needle.

"OH MY GOD!!! WHAT IS THAT-!? WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO- DON'T GET THAT THING NEAR ME- OW!! WHAT THE HECK'S your problem-? I mean… that's juh-just… incon-"

Jack fell backwards.

"Oh, thank God," said the man.

------------

Jack slowly regained consciousness in a room that was unfamiliar to him: it was very white, with large windows, and a strange smell to it. His vision slowly un-mottled and Jack sat up.

"Where am I? What the-?"

Something felt funny on his leg, something was stiff and itchy about it. Jack ripped the covers off of his bed and realized that, shin should have been, a large, white cast had taken its place.

What was more important (to Jack, at least) was that he was wearing a long robe that barely touched his knees and smelled like soap.

"GAH!! WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES!?"

He tried to get up, but when he moved, a piercing pain surged through his leg. Something else seemed strange about him: something about his face… There was a nondescript hand mirror next to his bed, so he picked it up.

"AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Two nurses came rushing into his room.

"Sir! What is it!? Are you in pain!?"

They waited for talk of terrible agony that they could remedy: none would come.

"WHERE THE HECK IS MY MOUSTACHE!? AND BEARD!? WHY IS THERE SOMETHING ON MY NOSE!?!? AND DARNIT YOU WILL TELL ME WHERE YOU KEEP YOUR EYELINER OR I SHALL KILL YOU!!!!"

"SIR!! Calm yourself!! We needed to shave it off and remove any cosmetics you may have had on."

"BUT WHY!?!?" he yelled.

"Sir! Calm yourself, or you'll break the stitches in your nose!!!"

"You SEWED my nose!? WHY IN GOD'S NAME DID YOU DO THAT!?!?"

"It was broken, sir!!"

Jack stared at them in disbelief, his mouth making the distinctive, stereotypical "O" shape.

"BUT-BUT- it wasn't broken when I fell!" he said, breathing as hard as he could, not believing the terrible luck he was receiving today.The nurses looked toward each other, wondering if they should concede to their patient what happened.

"Well, um… we were informed that- that happened afterward, sir."

"WHAT THE HELL KIND OF HEALING CENTER ARE YOU!?"

The other nurse spoke up:

"This is Our Mary of the-"

"I DON'T WANT YOUR LIFE STORY WOMAN, I JUST WANT TO LEAVE! NOW!"

At this time, another doctor had come in from the room a couple doors down.

"Sir, you're waking up the other patients."

"THEN I'LL LEAVE!! GET ME OUT OF HERE!!"

Jack, once again, tried to remove himself from he bed, ignoring the searing pain that pulsed through his legs. .

"SIR: NO!!!"

One nurse left the room as quickly as possible.

"SIR, YOU FRACTURED YOUR TIBIA!!!"

That got Jack's attention.

"What does that supposed to mean?" he said, unfamiliar with the skeletal term for his shin. Jack rested himself, leaning back onto the pillow. Jack watched him intently as the doctor sat upon the bed, facing Jack earnestly.

"Sir, when you jumped from that height, you received an impacted fracture in your tibia…," he said, showing deep sympathy." Your tibia is the bone that connects your knee to your ankle-" the doctor pointed to where his cast was on the lower part of the leg.

"- and it basically, just went up into your thigh bone."

The nurse returned with the now unneeded sedative. Jack relaxed even more.

"Bu-but why is my nose broken?" he said, pitifully looking up at the doctor. The doctor almost seemed ashamed to say it, looking aside to the other nurse.

"Sir, it was a complete accident on OUR behalf, and the surgery had already been paid for: I hope you can reap forgiveness from us-"

"W-when will I be able to walk again?" he asked. The doctor looked at a clipboard suspended close to Jack's head on the wall. He glanced it for a second, turning over papers, as Jack sat there, impatiently waiting for an answer.

"In adults it USUALLY takes three months-," he began.

"THREE MONTHS!?!?!?!" yelled Jack. The nurse closed the door.

"Sir, please!"

"_Three fricken' months!? Oh, my god!!! What the hell am I supposed to do here for THREE MONTHS!?!?_"

"But, because yours was more serious, although not crippling, I'd expect it to take four to five months to have you walking… running might take a little more therapy and-." A high-pitched, falsetto shriek came from Jack Sparrow.

"I CAN'T STAY HERE: I NEED TO MURDER JOHNNY DEPP!!!!" Jack said, in a fit of lunatic rage.

The three stared at him, before the two nurses looked at the doctor. He was speechless as well.

"Uh-uh… sir? You don't really mean- um… murder?" said the man, trying to figure out what to do with Jack.

Jack was still angry and semi-delirious, so he continued his maniacal rant.

"OF COURSE!! Have you ever seen how this man was impersonating me in that moving portrait and sound box!?!?!"

They looked at each other, again.

"A-are you kidding me?" the doctor asked.

"OF COURSE NOT!!! THAT MAN IS A FREAKIN'JERK WHO ROBBED ME OF MY DIGNITY!!!!" he yelled to the man.

It was then that Jack was transferred to ANOTHER ward.

-----------

"What the hell does psychiatric mean?" asked Jack, being wheeled down to the ward. The kind blonde nurse treated him like a fricken' eight year old.

"It means we wait until one of your family members comes to pick you up and take you home," she said, smiling.

"But, why the hell would Teague do that? He probably doesn't even know where I am!!" Jack said, starting to get suspicious when they could only get into THIS part of the building through a metal door.

"Oh! Is Teague your father?"

"WILL YOU SHUT THE HELL UP AND STOP TALKING TO ME LIKE I'M TEN!?"

Jack did NOT like this woman at all, she was a freakin' weirdo. One of the doors was opened, and a blonde girl sat on her bed, talking to someone.

A they made another right, four men were carrying a man dressed as Buster Keaton, carrying a cane, he was smiling and nodded to jack as they passed him by.

"Who was that?" asked Jack, looking up at the blonde ditz.

"Hmm… I don't know… must be new," she said. Behind them, they could hear two people scream:

"SAM!!!!" o.0

"JOON!!!" :)

Jack and the lady breezed passed the inside joke. She opened up a door as they made a sharp left and wheeled Jack in. There was a dresser and a bed, with an atrocious looking impressionist painting and a satisfactory view outside the window of a quaint little park.

"Why are we- where are you- am gonna' be living here!?" Jack asked.

"Until your family comes- and your leg heals…"

"BUT I'M A GROWN MAN!!!"

The blonde shrugged and sat down on the bed.

"THAT'S ALL YOU'RE GOING TO DO!?!?!"

"Now, Sir… there's no need-"

"STOP CALLING ME "SIR"!! MY NAME IS SPARROW, JACK SPARROW!!!"

The blonde girl smiled.

"You mean like the man in the movies?" she asked, smiling.

"What in God's name is a movie!?!?"

The blonde girl wheeled him down to a woman at the beginning of the ward, as Jack plagued her with questions she did not answer. Instead, she leaned over to the receptionist and asked her for something… something about pirates. The receptionist giggled and opened a thin cabinet filled with VHS's and DVDs, she picked out one and handed it the blonde.

"Thanks, Marissa!" she said to the woman, wheeling Jack back to his room. Jack stared at the DVD cover.

"YES!! JOHNNY DEPP! HE'S MY IMPOSTER!!!" he yelled at the girl. He was so pumped with adrenaline he couldn't stop himself from yelling frantically.

"Sir, I'd appreciate it if you kept your voice down, some patients are sleeping."

"_Why is Johnny on this cover? Why don't they believe me?_" thought Jack, scrunching his 'brow,"_A minor setback, but I swear, Johnny Depp: I WILL KILL YOU!!_"


	4. The Psych Ward

"MUST- FIND- terminal-!!" Jack Sparrow said, underneath his breath.

"_Where is Gate C-2? I'm supposed to be looking for a gate? There are no gates here_!" Jack Sparrow thought to himself as he ran past a food court.

"STOP!!!" yelled one of the security patrols.

Of course, Jack only quickened his speed at the patrol's demand. This building's enormousness confused Jack, as he turned a corner only to find another HUGE hallway imbued wall to wall with people.

One man, Jack noted, was on a strange transportation vehicle that resembled a strange, horseless carriage-yet it only accompanied one or two people. Jack knew one thing, he was getting tired, perhaps he can use this!

Jack boarded the golf cart and kicked off the man.

"Sorry, mate!" he yelled after him. But, when Jack got on the vehicle, it didn't move!

"FORWARD!!!" he said, pointing his finger forward. Jack, in a fit of anger, stamped his foot on the gas pedal. It lunged forward.

Jack was going dangerously fast, as dozens of people were jumping out of the way, and yelling profanities he didn't understand.

"_That one man had his mid-finger elevated... he should see a doctor about that…,"_ Jack thought to himself, as a man flipped him off.

Unfortunately for Jack, his thoughts were interrupted, as there was a fork in the hallway. He tried to turn the wheel in the direction he wanted to, as he was nearing a Starbucks but, with no understanding of 21st century gas-powered vehicles, he turned too sharply as the vehicle turned on it's side, flying into the Starbucks and throwing Jack from it onto the floor.

Something snapped in Jack's hand as he landed on it.

"AUGH!!" the pirate said, looking at his fingers, the thumb being completely dislocated.

"Oh, bugger…this is going to hurt…AUGH!!" he said, snapping his thumb back into place.

"_Don't stop now!! Those disgusting pig-faced men are after you!!_" Jack picked himself up and ran: "_SCREW THE AIRPLANE!! RUN!!!_"

But he didn't know where he was going to run: he would just have to improvise!! Another corner: he turned, more _restaurants_!

"How many restaurants do these pig-people NEED?" Jack whispered, underneath his breath.

He saw one labeled "McDonalds", so he took his chances with that one. Leaping over the counter, several employees screamed as Jack crouched behind the counter, stating:

"Scottish food vendors: if you value you're life, you shall continue to assist your consumers!" he said. Many customers ran away, or were too petrified to do anything. Some were simply transfixed by Jack's beauty.

The employees were too frightened of this pirate-dressed man to comprehend the fact that he had NO weapon to threaten them with at all. They continued to work or, so Jack thought: one of the female employees ran to the back, phoning security.

And, whilst Jack hid from the authorities, the female employee informed the male cashier, who hit Jack on the head once with a pan, yet, failed to knock him out.

"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!?!?" yelled Jack, holding his head. Jack leapt up, throttling the cashier and, of course, completely blowing his cover. Jack rolled his eyes, and began running again.

"_Damn, this is getting tedious_…" he thought,"_ I gotta' end this: NOW_!!" Jack needed to think quick: and, of course, the only option was to get on a plane, any plane!

He ran into a closed off gate, despite the calls of several women around him.

"SIR!! STOP, NOW!!!"

Jack ran has fast as he could: he figured he could make the pilot move as soon as he got on. However, he soon discovered why the woman was yelling at him: there WASN'T any plane. The tunnel led to nothing but concrete and a twenty-foot drop.

"OH-!!!!" Jack knew he had no time for swearing.

"HE'S IN THERE!!!"

A voice came from the outside of the thin hallway he had entered. It was hopeless: he was trapped, he was going to jail, and he WASN'T going to kill Johnny Depp... unless...

"Ugh… I can NOT believe I'm doing this…" he muttered.

Jack Sparrow thought quickly… and jumped onto the concrete.

"AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!!!!!!!!!" yelled Jack, holding his leg.

He had landed on the left one: he could almost FEEL his leg being pushed into his hip upon impact with the ground.

"AUGH!!! _WHY_ DID I THINK THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA!?!?" Jack yelled, holding his arm, which he too thought was broken.

Several guards stood where Jack had previously, awe-struck.

"GET AN AMBULANCE!!!" one blared into his walkie-talkie "WE NEED TO GET THIS MAN TO A HOSPITAL!!"

"Oh… I am good," Jack said, rolling over onto his side. He bit his lip. His head spun and his vision got blurred, until it completely blackened and he slipped into unconsciousness.

-------------

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I've decided NOT to do Elizabeth ones or Will ones, because, so far, Jack has a looooooooooooooooooooooong way to go until he gets to Johnny... hell, his leg's broken! There'd just be too many chapters and it'd get tedious… I luv that word…

R


	5. The Escape From The Psych Ward

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Forgive me, school has resumed at I have other priorities to attend to before I initiate my Jack fic process… this one got me thinking "Damn, it's gonna take FOREVER to write the series…"

"Ugh, damn, woman… what have you been eating?" Jack said, pulling the surprisingly heavy Doctor Roberts by the ankles. Every few meters jack had to stop to catch his breath.

"Perhaps I _have_ gotten weaker…" he thought to himself, trying to silently pull the woman to the supply closet. As he stuffed the doctor into the small room, Jack couldn't help but notice the small, raised bumps forming on his arm. Suddenly, an awkward, strange sensation coursed through his spine. Jack held himself.

"Why am I so bloody cold?" he whispered. He looked at his chest. "Oh yeah… no shirt… "Jack closed the door to the supply closet, carefully making sure not to make a sound.

"I think I'll just go back to the room an-" Jack turned around, staring into the darkness of the hallway: the darkened outline of a man stood at the end.

"HEY!! YOU!!" Inside, Jack was screaming like a little girl. Physically, he was leaning backwards, his mouth hanging open, stuck in awe and confusion.

"_WHAT!? I could've SWORN there wasn't anyone here at night! Screw the shirt, Jack: run! RUN!!!_" but, of course, Jack stood there, his thoughts mixed with his words, so, ultimately, he said:

"Blahg gob… jib muh…" his eye twitching. Of course, that only convinced the hospital employee (who was on his night shift) that Jack was indeed an escaped patient.

"RUN, DAMNIT!!!" a voice inside his head yelled. Jack, his eyes still bugging out, through impulse, ran down the opposite hallway.

"HEY, COME BACK!!" Jack could feel his heart beating in his head, his thoughts ringing in his chest.

"Turn right- no!! The OTHER right!! YOU'RE SUCH AN IDIOT!!" Jack slapped his head.

"No, I'm not!" Jack blocked out his own thoughts, concentrating at the task at hand. He could no longer tell if the slaps against the linoleum were that of his own feet or those of his pursuer. Jack turned a left and looked behind him: he could no longer hear anything except the breathing emitting from his own mouth. Jack waited ten seconds: nothing. He lost 'im.

Jack sank against the wall, catching his breath. He was familiar with this hallway: one more right turn would bring him to his hallway. He decided he couldn't go back to his room for his shirt, he couldn't waste any time with that employee trying to find him…

But then: footsteps, faint, but they were there. Jack tripped over his own feet trying to get up, but quickly regained his stature, turning left and running past his room. Taking another left, Jack frantically looked around for the key in Shelley's desk.

Several candy wrappers had been pushed beneath the desk, and even more papers lay, clustered and overlapping each other, on the top.

"DAMN IT, WOMAN, CLEAN UP!!" Then, he saw it: it gleamed slightly in the darkness. Jack ran to the locked iron door, and hurriedly stuck the key into its slot, closing the door behind him.

Jack began to laugh.

"Hehe… I'M BLOODY FREE, YA' BASTARD!!!" he yelled at the door. Jack quickly silenced himself, looking around the psych ward lobby to see if anyone was coming for him.

Jack relaxed, exhaling deeply. Jack opened a window, throwing the key out as far as he could.

"SUCK ON THAT!!!" Jack yelled, picking up a modern phrase he heard Angela using.

Jack found it easy to find his way down to the main lobby, but harder to go outside. The doors were not locked, (in case of emergency), but he remembered that it was currently Past midnight in the middle of November: and he was shirtless.

And then, a thought struck him: the man had probably called someone and informed them a patient's on the loose.

"Oh bugger…" he thought. Jack bit his lip, stepping out the doors, as a the strange, awkward feeling traveled through his body, ten fold. Through his teeth, Jack muttered every curse he knew of consecutively, running away from the hospital.

It was late, and it was cold… very, VERY cold. The town he ran through was deserted, yet illuminated thoroughly: a dread-locked man running through the streets would go noticed by SOMEONE. The glass to a store reflected his visage: Jack was glad to see his facial hair had been regulated. However, one shop Jack looked upon had all it's lights on: something called "Wendy's".

But, when Jack tried to open the door, it wouldn't budge. Some employees came up to the door, mouthing:

"We're closed!" they said. Jack stared at them, as they stared back. Jack looked behind him into an alleyway, picking up a board discarded beneath a dumpster. He slowly walked back to the door and smashed it open. The employees screamed.

One cowering, blemished teenager with red hair was grabbed by him. Jack looked him in the eye.

"My name is Captain Jack Sparrow: many people don't believe I am, but I am… I am. And I'd appreciate it if you'd give me your shirt." Jack stated, calmly. The teenager ruffled his eyebrow, looking to his fellow employees.

"Sir, I-" Jack shoved the boy against the wall, dropping the board.

"IF I BLOODY HEAR ONE MORE BLOODY BASTARD CALL ME 'SIR', I'M GOING TO BLOODY GO INSANE!!!! AND, NO, I WON'T STOP BLOODY SAYING 'BLOODY': I _LIKE_ THAT WORD!!!!" That's when Jack did not hesitate to pull the boy's shirt off, and readjusting it on his own body.

"Now, was that so bloody hard?" the teen stood, in shock, plastered against the wall. Jack made sure he slammed the door when he walked out.

THREE DAYS LATER

Jack had spent three days trying to further advance his revenge against Johnny Depp, but he was soon realizing he had painted himself into a corner, with no money, no job, and no clue as to what he was going to do. He remembered that crazy girl he couldn't get rid of: she had shown him a map of Yousa…or Usa, he couldn't remember what it was called.

Well, anyway, he remembered she showed him where he was in Usa, and then where Usa was in the world. The map had changed and new land forms Jack was unfamiliar were on it. But, one familiar one: Great Britain, was completely miniscule in comparison! There was NO WAY he could steal a ship, nowadays, they looked completely different, with these weird control-thingies.

"AUGH!!!" Jack yelled, scaring away a squirrel that was sitting next to him. There was ONLY one option… he'd have to go to another airport… the girl said it was the only way he could get to France…

Jack got up, his arms hanging, his head bent.

"Better go find another airport… sigh…"

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I know, that ended abruptly and for those of you who had been waiting for this, I'm sorry… it wasn't as funny as the other ones… because its Martin Luther King Day on Monday, and I have all of tomorrow to write the next chapter, it'll probably be up by Monday… and don't worry, it'll bring comedy do the MAXX!!!!! Jumps of dirt bike while in mid-air OH YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!


	6. The Airport Part I

After eight more days of disappointment, Jack found an airport in a large town called "Chicago", that he had been fifty miles away from. It took him the first six days to get to Chicago, and the last two days for him to navigate himself through the city without people trying to give him money.

"I'M NOT A BLOODY HOMELESS MAN!!!" he yelled at them, but taking their money anyway. Jack actually thought about that for a second, because- technically- he WAS homeless… but he abandoned the thought and reflected on more important things.

"I swear, that's the FIFTH Subway Restaurant I've seen… how many do these people need?" he asked himself. "And, MAN this city is BIG!!"

It took Jack on the eight day, Jack asked enough people to get exact directions as to where Oh Hair Airport was. THIS airport was even bigger than the previous one he had been too, so it was overwhelming when Jack stepped in through the doors.

At first, Jack just looked at all the people running about, talking to their friends, yelling at their children… there was so much noise… Jack looked around, until he spotted something that said "Self Check-in" and many machines underneath them. One of them had no people at it, so he decided to go with that one.

A sentence flashed on the screen: "PICK FLIGHT". Jack jumped back, as the previously calm, blue screen changed when he touched it. Underneath were the names of every continent he could travel to. He pressed the button that said "Europe". Jack jumped back again when the screen changed. It then narrowed his search down to "Country"- to which he pressed "France"- and then to "city" and he chose "Paris".

It then gave him five possible times he could fly today; but Jack didn't know that, so he pressed a random one. Then, it asked him for some personal information: his name and residency.

"_Should I say my name is Jack Sparrow? Or will they not believe me? Maybe I should just go underneath someone else's name… someone they'll NEVER know…_" Jack typed in:

"W-I-L-L T-U-R-N-E-R" and typed in a fake address in England. Then, they asked him for a "credit card number". He didn't know what that was, so he typed in a random code.

ERROR, ERROR!! Try again.

Jack looked to his side, someone on a nearby machine was typing in his number. He leaned over to the man, a balding, dark man in a suit.

"Um… what's a credit card?" the man ignored him, and took his ticket, walking away quickly, trying not to look back.

"THANK YOU!!" he said, sarcastically. A woman in a uniform came up to him.

"May I help you, sir?"

"Uh… sure, yes… what if I forgot my credit card number?" The girl smiled.

"Oh, well, that's no problem… you can simply pay in cash…"

Jack scanned his database of strange 21st century terms, but nothing came up.

"Um… cash?" he asked.

"Money? Do you have money?"

"Um, you know what, I think I remember what my number is now, silly me!!" he said, holding onto a fake smile. The girl smiled back at him.

"If you need anymore help I'm at customer service over there." She pointed to a kiosk with two other people being asked questions by two teenaged girls.

Jack returned to the machine, which was awaiting his credit card number.

"Um…" Jack typed in a random number… nothing. Another number… nothing. Jack repeated this fifteen times until he decided that this was getting too hard. The woman next to him was trying calm down her kids, and kept on averting her gaze from the machine for long enough periods of time for Jack to memorize the number. He typed it in quickly until the machine said, "Thank you, please take your ticket and present it at time of departure." The machine spit out a large ticket, as Jack took it and shoved it into his pocket.

"_Sorry, love_…" he muttered, smirking as he glanced over at the woman.

Jack then meandered over to the kiosk, his arms swaying by his sides, gaily free to float on the air. Jack had been so tense over these past months, he never let his arms sway as they used to.

"_Ahhh… this feels better…" _he said to his arms in his mind.

"Sir, do you need any help?" the same woman from before asked him.

"Yes, Love…" he smiled. "How do you get to gate, um…" Jack quickly checked his ticket…

"E-4?" he asked. "This is my first time riding on an airplane since I was a small boy, and I don't recall how to get there." Jack lied.

"Oh, well, that's simple enough… you simply go through that line for security…" the woman pointed to a ridiculously long line to her left.

"Security?" he asked.

"Well, yes, they must make sure you don't have any explosives or weapons while on the plane…"

"But I don't have any of those things… can't you see?" he turned around.

"Well, one could possibly be hiding it on other places on their bodies… like in your shoes…"

"Why would I have an explosive in my shoe?"

"It has happened before…"

"Yes, but I personally am not carrying ANY type of weapon."

"Well, we can't make any exceptions, Sir…"

"But, why would you want to bring explosives onto a plane?" he asked.

"Well, some people could want to bring them into another country so they can hurt someone."

"Why can't they just buy weapons there?"

"I, I- Well, they could also try to hijack the plane."

"And do what? Take it to another country? Why can't they just pay a little extra for the trip? That's just stupid…"

"Sir, haven't you ever heard of that big hijacking that took place in 2001? It was very tragic… it resulted in the deaths of any people… it's nothing to joke at…"

"I'm not joking, YOU'RE the one who brought it up, I'm simply- Wait, this has happened before? Oh, that doesn't seem very safe…didn't you guy try-"

"It didn't happen HERE!! Sir, this is why we can't let weapons on the plane, because someone might get hurt!!" Jack cocked his head to the right and leaned in closer to the woman.

"Wouldn't it have been easier to simply tell me that in the first place?" Jack said, raising his eyebrows. The woman sighed.

"Yes, I suppose it would have been… well, anyway, you just take a left and follow the signs, there'll be directories to show you the way." Her tone seemed less inviting and more serious. Jack smiled.

"Thank you." Jack swung his arms as he walked over to the line for security. Jack rolled his eyes as the line inched forward ever so slightly. Jack must've been waiting half an hour until he was next in line to undergo a security check.

A woman that resembled a police officer asked him to take his shoes off, to which he complied.

Jack was relieved to have them off for the short time as they passed then through the x-ray thingy. The shoes he wore were given to him by the peoples at the psych-ward and they were dreadfully uncomfortable compared to his boots.

The woman then asked Jack to walk toward her, not noticing he was walking through the metal detector. When the machine started to beep, Jack jumped back, jerking his head in all directions to figure out where that noise came from.

"Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to take of your beads."

That was the only part of his original clothing Jack managed to hang onto, and he was not prepared to take them off.

"Sir, remove the beads, NOW." She said. Jack stepped aside as he removed every single bead from his hair and dropped it into a small basket.

"There, they're off, now what?" he said, smiling a sarcastic smile.

"Sir, I don't appreciate your attitude."

"Well, I don't appreciate YOURS, but we're both just going to have to live with it, eh?"

"SIR, just walk through the detector and collect your items." Jack put up his hands as he walked through the metal detector, which remained silent.

"Thank you, sir." She said. Jack collected his shoes and beads and re-administrated them onto himself. Jack checked a large clock on the wall reading; 3:34. Jack checked his ticket. His flight departed in an hour. A subtle smirk crossed his face.

"Well, Mr. Depp, it looks that I am one step closer to you then you had previously suspected…" Jack stated, talking to himself.

"It is only a matter of time before I get to your home, and KILL you…" Jack sank to his knees and thrust his hands up into the air.

"MUAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!"

Jack got up quickly and walked away.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Hopefully, I will have the next chapter up and running in LESS than a week… hopefully… oh, and to ANY of you who say: "That's not how you do self check-in!" or "O'Hare doesn't have that format!" I have an auto response to you:

"IT'S A FREAKING FICTION ST0RY, GET OVER IT!!!" 


	7. The Airport Part II

Author's note: Excuse me, for I am may not be at the top of my game… the computer… my lovely, lovely, computer, had to be moved out of my room and into the basement in order for the Comcast dudes to install high-speed internet…NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! I NEED the computer in my room… it's cold down here… and the washing machine always scares the crap out of me whenever a load of laundry is done…oh, and I'm going over to my grandmama's house overnight, and I'm too damn distracted by all these fast-loading you-tube videos to write another one over the weekend… sorry! Oh, and the original story got deleted when the power went out in my house… I am NOT kidding… so I had to re-write the first 500 words.

Jack had meandered around the airport only to return to Gat E-4, sitting down on the row of black chairs, watching a woman put on make-up.

"God…I look SOOOOO much better in makeup than she does." Jack whispered to himself, smiling. The woman put away her and looked toward the windows- as did Jack- when a colossal, winged object was slowly approaching them.

Jack, never before seeing anything as massive as a plane, stood up and pressed his face against the glass to get a better look. Jack hardly noticed the other passengers getting up, forming a line to go onto the plane.

Even as the plane remained stationary, Jack marveled at the spectacular engineering of the plane. However, Jack was unaware his fascination would quickly turn to sheer terror in just half an hour.

"Sir? Sir?" Jack turned his head, realizing the flight attendant was talking to him.

"Are you going to get in line, sir?" she asked, ushering another person into that passage-thingy (I forget what it's called).

Jack looked at the long line forming, and smiled, hurrying over, clutching the ticket in his hand. He waited but five minutes until it was his turn to present said ticket.

The woman mechanically popped it into a slot, and it reemerged on the other side.

"Have a nice flight Mr.…"her smile faded as her eyes lowered to the ticket. She looked at Jack.

"Mr. William Turner? Do you mean like Orlando Bloom in-" her eyes widened as she looked at him.

"Aye?" Jack said, bidding she speak.

"Have- have I seen you somewhere before?" Jack grabbed the ticket, walking swiftly toward the plane/

"Idonotnowwhatyouaretalkginabout-BYE!!" he said, thrusting his face to the floor, he finally realized that many people seemed to now who this "Johnny Depp" was.

Jack was so preoccupied with looking down to the floor that he barely noticed he had walked onto the plane and was said "Hello!" to from the blonde flight attendant standing in the entrance.

Jack looked up and looked around at the other people on the plane: some were staring at him, or swatting at their children, or sleeping.

Jack felt very uncomfortable and started to walk slowly. He tried to put his hands outward, and let them sway, but there simply wasn't enough room. He looked back at his ticket it said his seat was in Aisle 22, seat 3.

"_Aisle nineteen… twenty…"_ he thought in his head "_Twenty-one… twenty-oh, shit._"

There, wedged between the window and a 300-pound, balding man was Jack's seat. Jack swallowed and winced as he stepped over the man's enormous feet and into his seat. The gargantuan stomach of the man next to him alone, probably weighed more than Jack himself, he thought.

Jack pressed his face against the wall, determined to forget that he EVER saw something that disgusting (let alone sit next to it). Jack, unfamiliar with the workings of an airplane, listened to what the blonde flight attendant said, up at the front, about "Emergency Landings" with confusion.

It then dawned on Jack: he had a VERY important question to ask her…

Jack signaled for the attendant as she waltzed over, all smiles, toward his seat.

"May I help you, sir?"

"Yes, love…um…"

"Not to be impolite, sir… but could you ask your question as quickly as you can and fasten your seatbelt? We're about to begin departure…"

"Yes, about said departure… how are we to get to France? I mean… what route?" what he meant was "Wait a second… how the hell are we getting over water?"

"Well, we're first going to fly over the Atlantic and probably-" He grabbed her wrist.

"What do you mean 'fly'?" The woman pulled her wrist away.

"Sir, have you ever ridden in an airplane before?" The woman said she had to leave, and he should fasten his seatbelt. Something below his seat, and every seat, began to shake and- as Jack looked out the window- the plane began to slowly turn.

"Oh, bugger…" Jack whispered. Jack dug his fingernails into the seat below him as the plane lunged forward and shook even more violently. A violent pressure in his ears removed his hands from the cushion and onto his head.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!!!!!!!!!!" Jack yelled, a shrill, womanly sound emitting from his mouth. The blonde stewardess and another, red-headed one rushed to his seat, struggling to keep him calm.

"WHAT THE BLOODYT HELL IS THIS!?!?" The plane ascended into the air. "GAH!!!! WHAT WAS THAT!?!?"

"What is your problem!? Why are you screaming?" said the man next to him, deeply annoyed. Jack grabbed his shirt.

"You listen to me- I am going to SCREAM ALL I LIKE TO!! SO, SHUT UP!!" Jack said, hyperventilating (for, like, the eighth time in the series).

The fat man backed off.

Jack promised the flight attendants he would calm down if the man moved a seat more to the right. And, in another fifteen minutes, he did, now fascinated with the constantly changing scenes beneath him.

In fifteen minutes after that, jack turned his head, noticing the drink on a folding table in front of the fat man…

Jack's eyes dilated as he grabbed the drink, tossing it into his face.

"Hey!" said the man.

"Where did you get that!?" said Jack, attempting to fit his statement into one syllable.

"You're a queer one…" the man said. Jack realized there was still some wine left on his face, so he wiped it off with his hands, trying to lick it off.

The blonde stewardess walked back with a cart.

"YOU!! Plane attendant! Do you have to pay for the liquor!?" The stewardess looked behind her.

"Sir, I hope you don't take this personally, but the captain has told us not to serve YOU any alcohol for the remainder of the flight… I'm sorry, I-" Jack spread himself across the seats, grabbing her hand.

Feeling violated, the man moved to Jack's previous seat. Jack tried to look his most pathetic.

"Please…" he spoke, softly, "please…there must be SOMETHING I can do for you… anything…" he said, he said, standing up, still holding her hand, into her eyes. The woman smiled.

"There IS something…" she leaned over and whispered into his ear. Jack looked up, considering it… but then decided against it.

"I'm sorry, love, usually I WOULD prostitute myself for alcohol… but let's just say my conscience isn't really working properly today…" The girl looked down. The two noticed that the fat man was looking at them strangely… as if sickened by something.

"Oh, will you PLEASE do something else besides eavesdrop on our conversation?" Jack said, seriously.

"Do you think you'll be getting your "conscience" healed anytime soon?" she asked. Jack shook his head; he didn't know what was acceptable to do sober anymore…he had so many conflicting feelings appearing out of nowhere!!

"Well, I can't give you anything to drink… you must have really damaged your "conscience" to not agree to go through with it…" she began to walk away with the cart. Something dawned on Jack.

"You do realize I'm talking about my ACTUAL conscience and not something sexual?" he said. The stewardess looked back at him.

"Oh… never mind…"

----------

Jack had fallen asleep within three hours of departure, trying to get as comfortable as possible.

----------

"Jack? Jack?"

"Elizabeth! What are you doing here? And why do you have an extra boob?"

"It's a dream, IDIOT!! You're DREAMING!!"

"Oh, is that why all these turtles are flying?"

"Those aren't turtles… those are Nintendo Wii's…"

"What the hell are those?"

"Beats me… well, anyway… I've come to you in a dream to make sure that you kill Johnny Depp in the as painfully and agonizing as possible…"

"But why?"

"Why not? It's probably funner…"

"Yeah, you're right… thanks three-boobed Elizabeth!"

"Don't call me that, seriously."

"'Kay…!!"

----------

When Jack woke up, they were landing.

AUT-WHORE'S NOTE: did you see that word play I made with author? Pretty awesome, eh? Of course, its implying that I'm a whore… but whatever… Freak out! Le freak… c'est sheik… freak out!!


	8. The Prostitute

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Beware, REALLY long chapter, in my opinion, it gets better at the end…

PART I

Jack rubbed his eyes, undoing his safety belt and standing up, even though the plane was still in motion. The momentum thrust him forward and onto the floor.

"SIR! Get back in your seat!!" Jack's short dreadlocks wrapped around his face as Jack tried to stand up. Jack flailed his arms around like a madman before, once more, falling on his face.

"For the love of-" Jack held his bleeding nose as the plane leveled out on the runway track. The flight attendants came and helped him up. Now, Jack REALLY wished he had his rum. He turned to the blonde one.

"Does you offer still stand?" Jack asked. The woman didn't seem to hear Jack's pleas as the two thrust him back into his seat. She left as soon as she could.

"Fine, BE that way!!" Jack said folding his arms. For the remainder of the time the plane pulled into the airport, Jack took in his surroundings, now that he was…

"Wow, so _this_ is what it's like to be sober." Everything was so clear, and stable: the walls didn't move, the people's faces weren't COMPLTELY deformed… and those green squirrels stopped crawling all over him…

"_This is actually pretty nice… not NEARLY as awesome as being wasted… but pretty cool_…" Jack thought to himself. For the first time in a couple days, Jack sat back and relaxed.

The airplane was now stationary, the passengers forming a line in the aisle. Jack opened up one eye; a woman was next to him.

"Hey, are we in France?" he asked. She nodded. Jack grinned; baring all teeth he had to offer.

As the line decreased, Jack got in, all smiles. However, it was as he stepped into airport that he realized something:

"_I don't know a freaking word of French!"_ Jack pouted, overwhelmed with the signs in French he didn't understand around the Charles de Gaulle International Airport.

LATER… or, should I say… PLUS TARD

Because Jack could not speak French, he could not take a taxi, so walked southwest for 25 kilometers into Paris, France.

As Jack walked around Rue de Buci for several hours, realizing another flaw in his plan:

He had no plan.

In fact, he never really thought he could make it this far without being run down by an angry mob or being stabbed to death…

Jack sat down on the curb, shaking his head and looking downward.

"What am I going to do? I only know one phrase!" he said to himself. The only phrase he knew how to say was "Parlez-vous anglais?" or "Can you speak English?"

"AHA!!!" Jack yelled, pointing upward with his pointer finger. Many Frenchmen looked his way, quickening their pace to get away from him.

"That's how I can find Johnny Depp! Get a French-y that speaks English to tell me where he is!!" Jack got to work right away, going from person to person, repeating the phrase:

"Parlez-vous anglais?" However, after two hours, Jack had begun to suspect his "genius plan" wasn't so genius after all: NOBODY seemed to now English, and –if they did- they CERTAINLY didn't know where Johnny Depp lived.

Jack sighed, he now sat at the curb in front of Les Deus Magots, a café. He sighed to himself and muttered in English. At that moment, a young brunette woman said something to him in French.

"I don't speak French…" maybe he could make one pitiful effort on her. "Parlez-vous anglais?" he asked, still looking down.

"Oui, monsieur… I speak English. I learned the language while in school. Porquois?" She said, very formally. Jack sighed again.

"Ya' wouldn't happen to now where Johnny Depp lives, would ya'?" Jack looked out into the street.

"Yes, sir, I do! I love the actress Vanessa Paradis!!" Jack looked up at her.

"Who's she?"

"Why, she is engaged to Johnny Depp! In fact, you almost remind me of-"

Jack grabbed her by the shoulders.

"I LOVE YOU!!!" he said, hugging her as tight as he could.

"Sir, I am not familiar with your English ways, but I'd appreciate it if you did not hold me so…" she said, uncomfortably.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah- now, where does he live?" The woman gave him specific directions.

"And, from there… it will be difficult to get in, if that is wha you are planning." Jack shook her hand.

"You have NO idea what this means to me… now, if you could be as so kind as to tell me where the nearest liquor store is…? Ph, and one more question-"

The woman straightened her neck, attentively.

"Are you a prostitute?" he asked. The woman gasped, slapping him. Jack fell to the street.

"Are ALL English men this vulgar and perverted?!"

"You have no idea…"

PART II

Jack now had a plan, a GOOD plan, not the six-second one he made up last time.

The first step involved a whore.

One who knew French and English.

He needed a "lady of the night" because he needed someone who would do whatever he said, and who could help him get the supplies he needed… and so he could have a little shameless action on the side.

He found the one he needed with a girl named Narcisse: a long-haired brunette with a thin, long face.

"So, wait… you are trying to kill WHO?" Narcisse asked, in a heavy, French accent.

"Have you heard of a man named Johnny Depp?" Narcisse fell out of the bed they were in, grabbing the blanket and wrapping it around her.

"You are trying to kill Vanessa Paradis' fiancé?"

"Eeeeyah…" Jack now felt really stupid, shirtless AND pant less in a random French hotel, his plan falling apart.

"Whatever…" Narcisse said, getting back into bed. "You're sexy… and I've done worse…" Jack's eyes widened and a smile appeared on his face.

"_This woman couldn't get any more SEXY!!_" Jack thought.

"Really? You've done worse?"

"Yeah… say, can we order rum or something…? I'm starting to see straight…"

"_Oh, she just got SEXIER!!!_" he thought, sharing his plan with her.

   

"Merci, monsieur." Narcisse said to the cashier, walking out of the store, with 774 Euros worth of stolen merchandise. Narcisse hid several items from the store on her person and in her coat and purse while Jack waited outside for her.

"Did you get the-?"

"Ssssh… you never know who could be listening… what's next on the list?" asked Narcisse, as they walked back to the hotel.

"Well, were going to need skydiving lessons." Narcisse stopped where she was.

"Why the hell do we need skydiving lessons?" Narcisse said. Jack looked at her like it was the most OBVIOUS thing in the whole world.

"What-I-I thought I already explained this to you…"

"Well, yes, Jacques…" she always called him by his French named "but… do you REALLY think that last part of the plan is going to work?" Jack was insulted, and put his hand over his mouth.

"You don't think parachuting over his house and breaking into his house through the chimney won't work?"

"People don't really have many chimneys anymore, Jacques…"

"That's not what you mean!! You don't think the plan will work!!" Jack started to cry.

"Jacques! Jacques! You're getting drunkenly emotional! Snap out of it!" Narcisse slapped him. Jack stood up straight.

"Thank you, 'sis." Jack said, already using a pet name for the whore. "I don't know what I would've done without you."

"You'd probably just get arrested or intoxicatingly fall off a building." Jack nodded.

"Yes, I think that's it." He said. Narcisse gave him a hug from behind.

"Jacques… I believe in you… I do." Narcisse said.

Jack had a strange feeling inside of him… but not a good, strange feeling… a warning, almost… from inside his stomach… his perfect, sexy stomach…

"Uh… yeah, that's nice, Narcisse." He held her hands, unwrapping them from his torso. "I'm… uh, glad!" he said.

"So, when should we start getting lessons?"

"A' soon a' possible!! We dive at duwn!!" Jack said, pointing upward to the sky and closing his eyes, for some reason.

"Jacques… dawn is in ten hours…"

"The', we mus' act fast!" Jack started to run somewhere, but Narcisse held fast to a dreadlock, and Jack fell to the ground.

"GAH!!"

"Jacques… there's no way we can learn to sky dive and get someone to fly us over Johnny's house at six am." Jack briefly considered this.

"Nonononononononono, we 'ave t'do it at duwn."

"Jacques, I don't think-"

"YOU ARE MY WHORE, YOU'RE NUH' SUPPOSED T'THINK!!!" Jack was all up in her face, now. Narcisse grabbed his hair.

"AUGH!! Willyoustopgrabbingmyhair!?" Jack yelled, flailing his arms.

"Jacques: you're drunk, shut up… we're going to wait…" Jack rolled his left eye into his head.

"Uh gay…" Jack said, leaning his head on Narcisse's shoulder. Narcisse whispered into his ear:

"Jack, I'm going to take you to the hotel, now… when dawn comes, we can find someone to get us lessons… and we can dive later… okay?"

"Bu' ah course…" Jack said, drunkenly smiling.

That night, Narcisse walked Jack back to the hotel and put the intoxicated pirate to bed. Soon after, she got into bed herself, but, when she awoke at dawn, she was not in the bed, she was in a locked closet… as Jack adjusted his parachute, and boarded a small plane.

AUTHO'R NOTE: oh, the suspense is so thick… you can dissolve it in water (it isn't very thick)…


	9. The Depp's Mansion

AUTHOR'S NOTE: um, really don't have anything to say… yeah… just read…

"NO- AUGH!! I said 'GO RIGHT'!!!"

Jack was looking out the window of a small plane, yelling at the French pilot. Jack opened up his English to French dictionary.

"Um… DROITE!! DROITE!! Is that "right"? Um…JESUS, WHY CAN'T YOU PEOPLE TALK NORMAL!?!?!?"

The French pilot did actually turn a sharp right.

"YES! YES! I mean… OUI!! DROITE!"

Jack smiled maliciously as the pilot neared their destination over Johnny Depp's house.

"HAHA!!! Yes!!!"

Jack opened the plane door.

"MONSIEUR!!" yelled the pilot, issuing a warning.

"Sorry, Frenchy, no habla el French!"

Although unheard by Jack, the pilot yelled to him (in French):

" Sir! You are above Johnny Depp's house, he'll kick your ass if you land on his property, it's happened before !!"

Jack ignored the Frenchman's pleas… leaping from the plane.

" Why do I always get the Johnny Fanatics? " the pilot shook his head.

MEANWHILE, SOMEWHERE IN PARIS

(Dialogue translated from French)

A daughter, walking with her mother, stops abruptly in her steps.

" Mommy? Mommy? "

" What is it, dear? Why have you stopped? "

" Did you not hear it, Mommy? "

" Hear what? "

" A pirate with long dreadlocks just screamed effeminately while jumping from a plane! "

" That's preposterous! The imagination on you! "

AND, NOW, BACK TO JACK

"AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!!!!!!!!!" yelled Jack, as his body complied to the demands of gravity.

Jack neared the enormous multi- floored mansion of Johnny Depp and realized that when one can distinctly make out the furniture in a room while falling through the air, one should deploy his or her parachute.

Jack felt around for the deployment cord and found himself slowly drifting downward onto Johnny Depp's perfect lawn.

An enormous sensation of accomplishment consumed Jack as he looked around the fenced property of the megastar.

Jack- returning to his duty- quickly unhooked the parachute, but froze when he felt the odd impression that he was being watched.

Jack slowly turned around to face a small, blonde girl.

"DADDY!!!!!" the girl yelled, leaping on top of him. "DADDY!!! It's so good to see you!! I'm getting Mommy!!" the girl yelled, running into the mansion.

Jack, frozen on the ground, looking around, realized something he should've taken into account.

"_Oh, bugger_…" he thought to himself. "_What if the wife doesn't think I'm him? DAMN_!!"

The blonde girl returned with another, small boy and a taller, skinny blonde woman.

"_Da-amn! __He's gotta' FINE woman!_" he thought, looking at the woman and children run towards him, arms outstretched.

"Oh, Johnny! I'm so glad you are back!"

Vanessa Paradis held his face a little to close for comfort into her chest. Of course, for Jack… there was never "to close for comfort".

"I'm glad to see you too, honey!" Jack said, smiling. "_DAMNIT!! That means he's not here!_"

Vanessa held him away from her body.

"But- you're not due back from filming! And why do you still have your costume and wig on? And your false teeth? And have you BATHED today?" Vanessa asked.

Jack didn't know what to say, so instead, just hung his mouth open.

"Huh? Filming? Filming what? What the hell's filming" he asked, unfamiliar with the term. Vanessa looked confused.

"Johnny- you're supposed to be in the Bahamas for another three weeks!"

Jack made a sound like he had just been kneed in the crotch.

"JOHNNY FREAKING DEPP IS IN THE BAHAMAS!?!?!?!" Jack yelled.

The family stood paralyzed for a moment, but the two children soon became frightened, and ran inside the house.

"I-I mean… I'M supposed to be in the Bahamas?" Jack said, smiling.

Vanessa's mouth hung opened, and she looked to the ground.

"Johnny… I don't know what kind of joke this is, but I can't concentrate when you're dressed like that… just, please, take out the teeth and wig…"

"Um, I don' t think we should-"

It was too late: Vanessa started to "lift" off his "wig", but it became "stuck".

"OW OW OW!! Stop-STOP!!" Vanessa tried to pull even harder.

"Johnny- what is- WITH-THIS-WIG!!" Jack slapped her hands, and Vanessa fell onto the floor, shocked.

"Johnny!! I mean, Johnny would NEVER do that-" Vanessa began to breathe harder.

"You're- you're NOT Johnny!"

Jack stood up.

"Look, love… don't freak out- I'm not gonna' hurt youu- I've just come to kill your husband-"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!!!!!! KIDS: LOCKED THE DOORS!!!!!"

"_IDIOT, IDIOT, IDIOT!!!" _Jack slapped his head, as Vanessa ran for the door: he couldn't let her get away!

Jack got off from the ground, chasing after the skinny woman.

"STOP!! I WON'T HURT YOU!!!" Vanessa slammed the door, and heard several windows slam shut.

"DAMN IT, WOMAN!!! I'M NOT GOING TO FREAKING HURT YOU!!!" Jack yelled to the sky.

Then, a sound caught Jack's ears; it was faint, but audible, and emitting from behind the iron feces surrounding the Depp's property: police cars.

"HOW THE HELL DID YOU GUYS GET HERE SO FAST!?!?!?" Jack yelled at the several police cars.

"WE GET THESE CALLS ALL THE TIME FROM THE DEPP HOUSE!!" yelled a police man over a megaphone.

Jack ran for it, trying to scale the iron fence, only to be pulled down by several police officers.

"How do you guys know English?" asked Jack, his hands being cuffed.

"We need it to advance the story, shut up!! You have the right to remain silence anything you say WILL be held against you in a French court of law!!"

"Okay, you guys all suck." Jack said, nearly spitting in the police officers face.

LATER

The police station wasn't that bad, then the court that found him guilty wasn't bad, and eventually, the jail wasn't that bad… but realizing Jack was almost defeated WAS.

"_Even if Johnny Depp IS in the Bahamas, he'd be there for three weeks, and when he DOES come home, I won't be allowed anywhere NEAR it… and, even if I could get near it… I'm in jail for six months…AAAAAAUUGH!!! AND I don't have any rum!!! Could this get ANYMORE WORSE!?!?!?_" Jack yelled, in his mind.

And then, in the blink of an eye, it got worse…

"Hey, Crazy… you gotta' cell mate, now…" said the fat warden, talking to him through the bars of his cell.

Jack's head remained downward, the floor engulfing his vision.

He didn't pay attention to the tall, slender brunette walk into the cell and stand in front of him.

"Bonjour, Jacques…"

Jack's eyes widened and paned upward to Narcisse, her hands on her hips. Jack whispered, underneath his breath;

"Oh, bugger."

AUTHOR'S NOTE: In a way, this is kinda' like a season finale… I'm going to resume writing the story in two weeks (cuz I wanna take a break) and I'll write the other half chapters weekly. And if you're wondering "when the hell is Jack going to meet Johnny!?" Then, patience; it shall happen… soon…


	10. The Jail Cell

"Now, Narcisse- let's not do anything we'd regret la-"

Jack was bitch-slapped repeatedly.

"AUGH!! Narcisse!! Stop it-!!"

Jack fell to the ground, Narcisse leaping onto his torso, like a lioness to a water buffalo…

A really sexy, screaming buffalo.

"YOU BASTA!! Narcisse stopped slapping him, picked up the whimpering Jack by his prison shirt, slamming him against the wall.

"DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME!?!?" Narcisse screamed in his face. "YOU LOCKED ME IN THAT CLOSET AND LEFT ME TO THE POLICE!!!"

She slapped him again.

"YOU EMBARRASED ME!!! AND THAT'S PRETTY HARD TO DO WHEN YOU'RE A PROSTITUTE!!!"

Narcisse raised her hand to slap him again, but it was immediately snatched at the wrist by Jack.

She raised her other hand, only to be restrained by the pirate.

"NARCISSE- Listen to me!!!"

Narcisse thrashed around kicking and writhing.

"NARCISSE!! Stop!!" Jack was putting on a desperate tone. Narcisse looked into his face, her teeth gritted and her eyes on the verge of enraged tears.

"Now, I'm sorry I did that to you… it was brutal and savage... completely inhumane… especially when it involves…"

Jack pulled her closer.

"… someone I love…" he said, looking into her eyes.

"Jacques… I am sorry…" Narcisse said, embracing him deeply.

"I'm sorry too, Narcisse." Jack smiled.

"_DA-AMN!! SCREW PIRACY, I SHOULD BE AN ACTOR!!!! WOOO!! I AM GOO-OOD!!!_" he thought.

Narcisse pulled away, smiling and embarrassed smile. She laughed.

"I'm sorry… I should've known you'd try something like that… I guess I was kinda' in your way."

"Y'got THAT right…" Jack whispered, under his breath,

"What'd you say?" Narcisse asked.

"Nothing." He said.

There was an awkward silence for a couple of minutes before Narcisse sat down on the ground and asked:

"Hey, um… so, are we going to get Johnny after we get out of here?"

Jack gave her a strange look.

"We're getting out today."

Narcisse's eyes bugged open for a second before dropping her mouth.

"Wha-what do you mean?" Narcisse asked.

"Well, Johnny's in the Bahamas right now…and, in order to get him… we'll have to _go_ to the Bahamas."

Narcisse didn't know if he was joking or not.

"Jack- Johnny gets home in like… what? Four weeks."

"Actually it's more like three."

"Can't you just WAIT?" Narcisse asked.

Jack burst out laughing and holding his stomach.

"That is the craziest plan I've EVER heard!" Jack said. Narcisse looked to the ground, her mouth hanging open less: trying to comprehend the situation she was in.

"Okay, so here's my plan: I've done this a couple of times… I'm going to prostitute myself-"

"Wait, wait, wait! Stop right there-!" Narcisse said. "You're going to WHAT!?

"Don't worry- I've done it a couple of times… well, I didn't EXACTLY get to do it with that psychiatrist… or the flight attendant… but I was CLOSE… I mean-"

"Wait, wait, wait- what psychiatrist? What the hell are you talking about!? You can't WHORE yourself to the guard… I'm pretty sure he's heterosexual."

Jack walked over to the bars.

"Not for long- HEY, SEXY!! YOU WANNA'-!!"

Narcisse grabbed Jack by the back of the shirt and pulled him into the cell before the guards had time to realize who said that.

"_Are you insane_!?!?" Narcisse sharply whispered.

"First of all," Narcisse started. "You should leave the whoring to the whore. Second of all, we… we…"

Narcisse struggled to get the words out and took deeper, longer breaths.

"…need a pla- an that's-" with that last word, Narcisse put her hand to her chest, breathing sharply and gasping frequently.

"Hey- hey… Narcisse! What's wrong? Narcisse!" Jack ran to the bars.

"GUARDS!! GUARDS!! Hey- something's up with Narcisse!!"

The two guards at the end of the hallway in the prison looked at each other.

" Narcisse? Why does that name sound familiar ?" asked one of the guards, in French.

" Isn't that the one the warden told us had asthma ?" said the other guard.

The two guards looked at each other, scrambling for the inhalers they were supposed to give her.

One of the guards quickly unlocked the door, stepping into the cell and giving Narcisse the inhaler.

Jack, standing aside in awe and shock had no idea what happened in the next ten seconds, while Narcisse single-handedly knocked out the two men by _punching_ them in the neck.

"Huh?"

Narcisse picked up one of the inhalers and used it.

"Hey, wait…" Jack said, kinda' confused. "You faked an attack?"

"Actually, no... that was real… but I'm a quick thinker, so… yeah."

Jack ran up to Narcisse and gave her a really big hug.

"EEEYAYUH!!! That was AWESOME!!" Narcisse giggled as he held her. Narcisse didn't get to enjoy the moment for long, because Jack pushed her away, grabbing the guard and removing his clothing.

"Okay, first, we're going to bust out of here and steal a ship in order to go to the Bahamas and-"

"Why don't we just use a plane?" asked Narcisse.

"Oh, no… no more planes… I'm sick of planes." Jack said, folding his arms like the stubborn five-year-old he was.

"But we'll go a lot faster… and we can't REALLY steal a ship… it's kinda' hard…" she said.

"Now you're just complicating things… "

"Jacques! I'm sorry, but you are one of the most irrational people I have EVER met!!" said Narcisse.

"You're ruining my plans AGAIN, Narcisse!!" Narcisse stood up, aggravated.

"YOU'RE PLANS ARE ABSURD!!" Jack put a hand over his mouth.

"Oh no you di-in't!!" Jack exclaimed. Narcisse turned around for but a second, crossing her arms.

"Jacques: the only way we can-"

Jack didn't think twice about his next move of action, as he had the last time he did it.

In his anger, Jack did it swiftly and decisively and, as Narcisse came conscious in the cell- five hours later- she was pounded by questions emitting from the guards surrounding her outside the bars.

" Where is your cell mate!? How did he escape!? "

" Oh, hell no. " Narcisse said, as Jack Sparrow threatened the pilot of the small parachute plane.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I think the next chapter is going to be better… do you know why? Because… JOHNNY DEPP IS IN THE NEXT CHAPTER!!!!!!

But Jack's journey is faaaaaaaar from over.


	11. The Flight Across the Atlantic, BOOYAH!

Jack Sparrow was already out of France within the hour, making the French pilot go especially fast to get to the Bahamas on time.

How did Jack get the pilot to go through with a cross-Atlantic homicide mission to kill Johnny Depp? Simple: Jack had a hostage.

Probably the sexiest hostage in the world.

"Fly the plane or I cut my face!!" Jack threatened.

" I do not know what you are saying, because I am French, but I know it has to do with your face!! Please, don't hurt it!! I have a man-crush on it!! "

The pilot flew even faster.

"That's it, Frenchy… faster! Or… should I say:" Jack looked into his French-to-Slurred, Drunken Pirate Dialect dictionary.

"Um…Plus rapidement!!" Jack said, pronouncing it wrong.

Once again, the man flew faster.

Hours passed by, with Jack occasionally yelling at the confused, only semi-heterosexual pilot. Jack knew it would take a long time to get to the Bahamas, even _with_ this flying metal thingy… but he never knew it was going to be this BORING.

"Geez… do you at least have, like… a book or something?" Jack asked, STILL not making the connection that the French pilot could not understand him.

" Once again, I do not understand you, but, please do not hurt your face!! You are… how I believe the English say "hott" ." The pilot replied.

Jack groaned and sat upside down on his seat next to the pilot.

"I am soooooooooooo bored." He said, hanging his head, letting the blood run to his head.

"This is KINDA' like getting drunk…"

Jack looked at his arms, which were hanging lazily next to his head, and considered biting them: he never knew what they tasted like… and he WAS that bored to find out.

" Monsieur! Why are you eating your arm!? You are some weird-ass dude! "

Jack already stopped gnawing his arm, it didn't taste as good as he thought.

"Frenchy, I haven't faintest idea what you're saying."

HOURS AND HOURS LATER

"Frenchy? Are we the-ere-ere yet?" Jack said, groaning.

He was soooooo bored he started counting the seconds.

"I'm up to, like… 14,000 and I think we should be getting close to- HEY!!" Jack's sudden expression of shock was brought about by looking over the side of the plane, which was currently flying over land.

"Hey! Where are we Frenchy?"

Jack did not keep track of where they were because he was so preoccupied by counting, he didn't even notice they had crossed over land about ten minutes ago.

" I am sorry, monsieur: I do not now what you're yelling about, but you really didn't tell me WHERE we were going, you just threw me into the plane! "

This was bad; Jack didn't know how far into land and he had a pilot that was unable to tell him.

Then, like so many times before in this story, Jack realized something he should have taken into consideration: he didn't know which island Johnny was on.

He had to jump now, onto land or water: he wasn't going to screw this up.

Jack immediately leaped to the back of the small plane, grabbing one of the three parachutes and quickly strapping them onto himself. He opened the door, a gust of wind whipped his dreadlocks into his face.

"Ban Zure, Frenchy!" Jack said, leaping from the small plane, emitting yet another falsetto, effeminate scream.

Jack was preoccupied with his woman-screaming so did not open the parachute when he should have, as he neared the shore of a beach.

Jack screamed like little girl he was until his feet touched ground and he ran across the sandy beach until slowing to a stop.

There he stood, a parachute attached to his back, his feet sinking in the sand.

The large beach he stood on inhabited no people. This beach looked familiar, with its surrounding foliage and ocean.

Too familiar…

Then, Jack heard something… it was faint… a soft whisper in his ears… but he heard it… it was coming from the subtropical forest.

Jack took off the "backpack" that contained his parachute, and started to run towards the noise.

Ten minutes he ran, and the noise only increased slightly. Jack stopped to catch his breath.

"Where there are humans… there are people and… wait…" Jack decided to rephrase his self-motivation.

"Where there is noise… there are humans… and where there are humans… there is someone who can tell me where Johnny is."

Jack smiled a wide smile to himself, threw his head back and laughed maniacally.

"MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!"

Jack got something in his throat and cough, before returning to his maniacal laughter.

He ran on, a new inspiration inside his heart and mind. Jack didn't know how freaking lucky he was when he found the noise at it's loudest when he reached a chain link fence with signs that said "Keep Out".

Beyond the tall fence (which well surpassed Jack's height) was a congregation of different tents, trailers and scattered objects and machinery.

Jack stayed hidden behind a tree as he looked upon the different assortment of people running about and giving commands.

"_This_-" Jack began to think –"_must be some sort of settlement…I'll ask them if they no where Johnny is… he's famous… someone must know." _

Jack stepped forward just a little bit, leaping onto the fence when no one was around to see him do it. (He didn't want to look like some burglar or something…)

Jack struggled for only a moment, but managed to pull himself over and down onto the other side of the fence.

Jack surveyed his surroundings: no one was there to see him climb over the fence.

Let me just note that Jack, unfortunately, was still wearing the clothes he bought a few days ago in France, and looked like nothing more than a common, sexier-than-normal man in jeans and a t-shirt with funky looking dreadlocks.

Jack slowly walked around the "settlement" until someone came up to him and held his shoulder.

It was a man, short with balding hair who seemed to recognized him and addressed him casually:

"Hey! Marc! How are ya', buddy? What the hell are you wearing? You were supposed to be in wardrobe five minutes ago! And that ain't yer costume!"

The stout man laughed at his own joke that Jack didn't understand.

"Um… I got lost going to "wardrobe"…" Jack said, playing along instead of protesting that "Marc" wasn't his name.

"Oh, well, that's simple: I'll walk with you." The stout man said, putting his hand on Jack's back and walking with him, chuckling.

"_Should I ask HIM where Johnny is? Or will he just make a stupid joke and laugh it despite the fact it has no comedic value?" _ Jack asked himself, in his head.

Jack decided to step into the makeshift "building" labeled wardrobe/makeup and leave behind the fat, laughing man.

Inside, there were several people in chairs having makeup applied to their face in front of large mirrors.

There were also large racks of clothing in clear bags labeled with people's names.

One label caught his eye, however, and he immediately pulled it off the rack.

Once looking at its contents, Jack squealed and hugged the bag.

The label read: "J.SPARROW/DOUBLE"

Inside, was his clothes: his puffy shirt, his vest, his sash, his baldric, his bandana: even his rings were ALL there!

And, below them, on the ground, stood his beautiful, leather boots.

It took Jack but a moment to launch himself into the bathroom and change forthwith.

When he emerged, he bounded out of the wardrobe department in giant strides.

"I-AM-" Jack leapt up into the air "SPARROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!!!"

Jack started to hug himself, glee consuming his entire body. However, his gallivanting was interrupted by one voice.

Just one.

And, for the first time in months, Jack was still. He neither moved nor spoke. The one voice made him as dead as ever.

One voice made the blood of Jack Sparrow run cold, and faded his smile. It was a voice he remembered the first time he heard it.

The voice he vowed to silence.

"Hey? Are you the stunt double?"

Jack turned around on his feet to stare the voice in the eye.

"Wow… they really got a double that looks like me... I mean, that is just AMAZING!"

Said Johnny Depp.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Not bad for a second season opener, eh? OOOH!!! I'm sooooooooooooooooooooo excited!!! What's jack gonna' do-oo!?


	12. The Whelps

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Please don't report me, please don't report me, PLEASE, DON'T REPORT ME!!!!! AUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!!! I AM JUST A PETTY GIRL WHO LIKES TO WRITE ABOUT JACK SPARROW!!! AUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!!!!!!!

Jack stood there, looking at Johnny Depp for a long time: his head tilted back and his eyes extremely wide. This man… this- this- MAN was wearing the exact, same clothes as he! Even his gun and sword were by this man's side!

"Um, dude? Are you okay…? Chris…?"

What Johnny Depp and nobody else knew, the REAL stunt-double, Chris, got on the wrong plane and accidentally went to Dublin, where he met a beautiful young woman and had fifteen children, assuming the fake name of Jorge Baba Ghanoush.

Jack kept on staring at the man, his eyes agape and his head tilted backwards.

Johnny Depp automatically became VERY uncomfortable.

Jack kept on staring.

"Um… so, yeah… I'll be seeing you."

Johnny smiled briefly before turning on his heels and running away as fast as he could.

Jack kept on staring… at nothing.

He was still staring at the nothing fifteen minutes later before it dawned on him:

"AUGH!! I MISSED MY CHANCE!!" he yelled, grabbing his temples and dropping to his knees.

''_YOU WERE SO FREAKING CLOSE!!!! HE **TALKED** TO YOU!!! THERE WAS **NOBODY** AROUND!!! JESUS, YOU ARE **SO** INCOMPETENT!! _"Jack thought- screamed to himself.

While Jack was on his knees, yelling at himself, he never a long- haired woman approach him from the .

"Hey, Johnny, are you alright?"

Jack stopped mentally-yelling at himself.

There it was- the same reaction Jack had when he heard Johnny's voice…

Again:

"Hey, are you okay? Johnny?"

"_That woman's voice… it's so familiar… so recognizable…Oh. My. God …it's- it's-_"

Jack sprang up and embraced the woman.

"ELIZABETH!!!!"

Keira Knightley laughed as the very serious pirate held her in his arms.

"Very funny, Johnny- Very- MMG!!"

Her words became garbled and muted as Jack grabbed the back of her head and thrust it into his face.

"MMG!! JAHNGY!! MMG-MMG!!!" she yelled, her arms flailing.

Another man rounded the corner.

"Keira- Keira, WOAH!!" Orlando Bloom ran up to Keira and Jack and started to laugh.

Jack immediately let go of the wide-eyed, hyperventilating Keira.

"It's not what it looks like, Will!! She MADE me do it!! Jack yelled, pointing at Keira.

Orlando laughed even harder, holding his stomach as Keira stared at Jack.

"Remember- laugh- your wife and kids, Johnny!" Orlando said, STILL laughing.

Jack was confused…

"Um… what?" Jack asked.

Keira had regulated her breathing as Orlando said:

"So, how long 'ya gonna' keep this up? Y'know… Keira groping. "

Orlando laughed at his own joke as Keira hit him over the head.

"Shut up, Orlando… it was just a joke…" Keira said, smiling

Jack was baffled.

"Orlando? Who's that?" Jack asked. "I'm not familiar with the term 'Keira'."

Orlando and Keira didn't know if he was joking or something… so they tried to smile, but turned out ruffling their eyebrows.

"Um… Johnny?"

"_Oh, gosh… they think I'm Johnny! What's wrong with them!?_" Jack thought.

Jack was going to do an experiment.

"Keira?" Jack asked, awaiting their reactions.

"Yeah?" The supposed "Elizabeth" asked.

"Orlando?" Jack asked.

"What's up?" said "Will".

"_It's official… Will and Keira have lost their mind… either that or- OHMYGAWD!!_" Jack thought.

"YOU'RE NOT ELIZABETH… OR WILL!!"

"Well, yeah, Johnny, when'd you figure that out?" asked Keira. Both Orlando and Keira laughed.

Jack glared at the two before grabbing Keira' hair, twisting her around and throwing her onto the ground.

"AUUUUUUUUUUUGH!!!!" Keira yelled, holding her head.

"DUDE! What is you're problem!?" yelled Orlando.

Jack briefly let go of Keira's hair to twist Orlando Bloom's arm behind his own back.

"AUGH! AUGH!" Orlando yelled. Jack bent down to Orlando and said, into his ear:

"Stay out of this, Skinny." Jack said, twisting his other arm.

Jack waltzed angrily (try to imagine that) over to Keira, who was trying to crawl away from the deranged, manic pirate.

"You have all of fifteen seconds to tell me what you've done with Elizabeth and Will, you fugly imposter."

"_I wonder if I used that word right…_" asked Jack in his mind.

"Oh, no, you did NOT just call me FUGLY!!"

"_Uh-huh… learned a new diss..._" Jack said, smirking and pulling on Keira's hair.

"YOU'RE CRAZY, JOHNNY!!" Keira yelled.

"OH, I'M CRAZY… CRAZY LIKE A FOX!!" yelled Jack. Jack laughed maniacally.

It was then that, for, like, the seventy-billionth time this week, Jack was struck by something heavy.



"_Huh? Huh? Where- oh… Elizabeth!!_"

"_You idiot! I ought to slap you!_"

"_No, Elizabeth, please!_"

"_You were THIS close to getting Johnny! AUGH! And you should've been watching Orlando!_"

"_Is that how I got knocked out?_"

"_Yes!_"

"_Hey… where's your third boob?_"

"_That was the last dream… I have a third ear now… its on the back of my neck._"

"_That's pretty cool…_"

"_Now, listen to me, Jack- the next time you see Johnny, use that mind of yours to kill him, and as soon as you can._"

"_Thanks, Elizabeth… I don't know what I'd do without you…_"

"_If you're trying to get my shirt off, it's not gonna happen…_"

"_Damn!_"



Jack woke up in Johnny's trailer.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I was watching Scrubs and Will and Grace when I wrote this… just thought you might want to now that… for some weird reason… or not really… maybe I'm just babbling.


	13. The Man Fight

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Oh my gosh… DID ANY OF YOU GUYS KNOW ABOUT THE LIFE STORY ABOUT JOHNNY DEPP!?!?!? IT'S SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO FREAKING AWESOME!!!!!

"Eh? Ugh…" Jack said, rubbing his head and blinking.

"Wha-? Where- where am I?"

Jack surveyed his surroundings: a rather large trailer complete with a kitchen and bedroom, with a heavy feeling of grandeur.

Jack remained seated on the floor before a man came bolting into the trailer, a mighty slam following him from the door: Johnny.

The man was garbed as Jack and, as Johnny turned around, so did the thick dreadlock wig with the motion of his head. He stared at Jack, breathing deeply.

"Oh, thank God you're awake!" Johnny said, putting his hand over his chest.

"I was beginning to get worried!"

"_Worried? About me? Why?" _Jack thought.

Johnny exhaled particularly deeply and walked over to a small, metallic mini-fridge and pulled out a bottle of water.

"You must be parched… lying out there in the sun and all…"

"Huh?" Jack asked.

Johnny sat down next to him.

"Are you okay? When we came looking for you, Keira and 'Lando on the set… you guys were, like, knocked out! What happened? We woke up Keira and Orlando but they didn't remember anything…"

"_This must be a conspiracy meeting!!! Those two weren't Will OR Elizabeth!! Just as I suspected!_" Jack thought to himself.

"I don't remember either." Jack lied, putting on his most sincere face he could.

Johnny looked to the ground.

"Oh, well… you guys must've passed out… it gets pretty hott in all these costumes sometimes…"

Jack nodded his head and pretended to listen as Johnny walked over to some of his cabinets, looking for something and rambling on about how "One time I was 'out' for three hours…"

Jack entered a conscience state of REM as he searched frantically for something to threaten Johnny with.

"_I can't miss this opportunity!!_" Jack yelled to himself inside his head.

And, then, Jack spotted it, resting in the sink of Johnny's kitchen: a thick, butcher knife caressed and hidden among other objects.

Johnny continued to talk as he took out to bowls from the cabinets and Jack ran to the sink.

"… and then, the dude was all, like, "You're Edward Scissorhands!" and I'm all like- oh, you're up! Yeah, I know… that sink needs to be cleaned a little-"

Jack began to laugh maniacally as he grabbed for the handle of the knife.

"I've waited so long for this moment-" Jack grabbed Johnny's vest. "- and I'm going to enjoy EVERY MINUTE OF IT!!!"

Johnny's eyes dilated as Jack raised it above his head, and stabbed Johnny several times in the chest.

Jack's eyes were closed as he stabbed Johnny and laughed uncontrollably.

That is precisely why he did not realize he had hit Johnny repeatedly with a wooden spoon.

"WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM, MAN!?!?" Johnny yelled.

Jack turned his head around with such intensity it could have given him whiplash.

The knife he had intended to grab was resting on top of the pile of utensils, the handle perfectly placed upwards.

Jack closed his eyes and pouted briefly and quietly.

"_God, I hope I don't fall asleep anytime soon… Three-bodied part Elizabeth is NOT going to like this…_," he thought.

Jack, his incompetence reaching a new level, left Johnny on the floor, defenseless and unarmed.

"_Oh, wait… Johnny's still on the floor!_" Jack turned around, improvising as Jack screeched out a battle cry and leaped on top of Johnny, scratching at his face and pulling at his wig.

"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!" I, as the author, lost track of which one was which, and have no idea who yelled that.

One of the Jack Sparrow's bit the other on the leg, and the other let out a loud cry.

The male cat-fight raged on for several minutes, before, after ten minutes of scratching, biting, kicking and Indian-burning; one of them passed out.

The remaining "Jack Sparrow" slowly stood up.

"I-I did it…I've got Johnny. I'VE GOT JOHNNY!!! YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!!!!!!!"

Jack did the gayest, most adrenaline-induced victory dance this side of the Mississippi.

The dance lasted several minutes and produced a very sweaty, hyperventilating Captain Jack Sparrow.

However, the dance was actually cut short as a knock on the trailer door came.

"Johnny! Johnny! Come out here!! Come on, let's go!!"

Jack's mouth fell agape as he looked around desperately for a place to store the unconscious Johnny Depp.

He noticed that his rather large cabinets beneath the sink could fit several bodies if they were aptly positioned, and so Jack dragged Johnny by the feet into the cabinet.

"I-I'll be right there!!" Jack said, realizing that he sounded A LOT like Johnny when he was sober. Jack unlocked the door and stood in the entryway, leaning his body against the thin wall.

"Yes?" he asked, still breathing hard.

"Hey, you okay?" asked a man with a clipboard in hand.

"Oh, yeah… of course…" Jack said. The man smiled.

"Oh, good… cuz you're needed on set…"


	14. The Problem With Jack

NOTE: OH MY GOD!!!! THE ENLGIHTENMENT IS NIGH!!! I REPEAT, ENLIGHENMENT IS NIGH!!!!! I SAW THE POTC 3 TRAILER THIS PAST WEEK!!!! IT WAS AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"_Set? What set? A set of what?_" Jack thought to himself before saying; "Uh, yeah… set! Yeah, I'll get the set!" Jack smiled.

The man with the clipboard looked at Jack weirdly.

"Okaaaaaaaaaaaay…" the dude said. "Just get to the set within-" the dude leaned in closer to Jack.

Jack, the ever defensive pirate, leaned backwards with the man's movements.

"What happened to your hands? And your wig- some of it, like, came off or something… and your face!"

Jack immediately shielded his face with his arm.

"Oh, that? It's… um, it's nothing- I just fell… er, something… on a rock."

"Did the rock _bite_ you?"

"Huh?"

"You have bite marks on your face."

Jack's mouth fell open, a loss of words came to him. Quickly thinking, he ran to the looking glass stationed on the wall in Johnny's trailer. The large mirror reflected a brusque pirate with numerous bruises, cuts and bites strewn across his body.

"_Oh, God… why didn't I see myself before!? What is WRONG with me? Oh, wait… that guys in the door!_"

Jack ran back to the doorway, climbing down the small steps and slamming the door.

"Oh… it was nothing, it was nothing, it was just, um…" Jack completely went blank. "It was a… um, what are those things with the fur and, um… y'know… the eyes?"

"A dog?" the man asked. Jack shook his head. "A… cat?"

Jack clapped his hands.

"A CAT!! Exactly! A CAT!!" Jack grinned as wide as he could.

"Are you okay, Johnny?"

"_A CAT!? A CAT? WHAT THE HELL IS THAT ABOUT!? ARE YOU SERIOUS!? DID THAT REALLY COME OUT OF YOUR MOUTH!? YOU IDIOT! WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME!?!? WHAT IS WRONG WITH MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!?!?!?!?_"

Jack mentally scolded himself as he was led by the man into a black car and was drove to the set.

Jack calmed himself and regulated his breathing as he watched the tropical wood run past him in the car. There had been something on his mind for a while now… several weeks in fact.

"_I am so incompetent… I can't even think straight…God… I am so… off…_" and, then, Jack realized something else. "_Oh my God… I'm thinking SERIOUSLY. WHAT IS GOING ON WITH MY MI-IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIND!?!?!?!?_"

Jack banged his head on the glass several times, but the man with the clipboard freaked out and pulled him back.

"Hey, Johnny, maybe you should, um… just take a breather, alright? I'll tell Gore to see what we can do about filming another scene-"

"NO!!! I FEEL FINE!! I'M FINE!!" Jack yelled, his mouth curled into a smiled, his nails digging into his fists, and his left eye twitching. "_What am I saying!? I gotta' get outta' here!!!_"

The man backed off a little bit, and radioed someone on a walkie-talkie attached to his belt.

"_What is happening to me…?_" Jack thought as the car rounded a corner and slowed to a stop.

Jack was staring at his scuffed boots, so he did not react at first when the car halted itself off the roadside of a large beach surrounded by film equipment, maintenance men and actors.

The man with the clipboard (whom I've decided to name "Gerard") had already exited the vehicle and walked over to the other side of the car. He tapped on the glass to get "Johnny's" attention.

"Hey! Johnny! Let's go!" a muffled cry came from behind the glass. Jack looked up briefly, only to do a double-take afterwards.

"OH MY GOD!!!" he yelled, plastering himself to the glass of the car window.

There, reposed on the beach's soft sand was Jack's heart: the only tangible thing he ever sought solace from in dark hours. And it was precisely what he needed in this dark hour. The words escaped from his mouth promptly and zealously.

"THE PEARL!!!!"

Now, as the reader, if you believe that I would make Jack do something melodramatic and emotional… like, y'know, run along the beach in slow-motion and, like, have him sail off into the sunset with the prop ship and never bother Johnny Depp again, well than you're sadly mistaken… (and probably high to think I would write something stupid like that).

Jack jammed his elbow into the glass of the car window into it shattered, and leaped through the window.

"AUGH!!!!" Gerard yelled. "WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH YOU!?!? THAT'S AN EXPENSIVE CAR!!"

Jack was too busy tripping over sand, scrambling towards the ship, to pay any attention to the man.

He ran up to the hull, embraced it and kissed it.

"I'll never leave you again, Baby!!" yelled Jack, passionately making out with the side of the ship.

Many on-lookers couldn't help but-literally- drop what they were doing and stare: they knew Johnny Depp was weird… but not insane.

Keira, Orlando, and Geoffrey Rush (of whom Jack did not see) all stared at Jack as he expressed his feelings toward his beloved ship.

"Hey, is Johnny alright?" Geoffrey said, leaning over toward Orlando.

"I'm not sure…"

Geoffrey decided to go up and talk to him, followed by Keira and Orlando. Their actions were compassionate, yet completely stupid considering whom they was dressed as.

Geoffrey tapped Jack on the back.

"Um, Johnny?"

Jack ceased his love-making to turn towards the three.

"Johnny? Are you okay?" Geoffrey Rush said, again.

Jack's eyes widened, and he stepped backwards, against the ship before crying:

"AHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! THAT'S HILARIOUS!!!!"

The three actors exchanged confused looks and Jack came uncomfortably close to Geoffrey's face.

"I get it: this probably isn't the REAL Pearl… and YOOOOOOOOOU aren't the real Barbossa: just like THESE two imposters HERE!!!" Jack pointed to Orlando and Keira.

"Ooooooh, but I'm onto you guys: I see through your disguises!!! You don't' even LOOK like Barbossa!"

Jack smiled before quickly saying:

"But I don't wanna' take any chances." Jack kicked Geoffrey in the crotch.

"GAAAAH!!!" yelled Geoffrey.

When some people noticed ol' Geffy lying on the sand, Keira slapping Jack, and Jack screaming like a little girl, they immediately ran over to see what was going on.

"Hey, hey, hey- what's going on here?" said a woman, with her long hair pulled back.

"I'M CRAZY!!!! C-R-A-Z-E!!!! CRAZY!!!"

"Johnny, that's not how you spell "crazy"."

"MY POINT EXACTLY!!!" Jack yelled.

"Johnny, come on- we gotta' scene to shoot, so if you could just cooperate-"

"WEREN'T YOU JUST LISTENING!?!? MY HEAD HURTS!!! I WANT TO REST!!! I DON'T KNOW WHAT WAFFLES ARE!!!" Jack said, holding his head.

Gerard automatically rushed over to the long-haired woman and whispered something into her ear. She slowly pulled her hands off her hips.

"Oh." The woman said, looking up at Jack. "Alright."

Gerard grabbed Jack by the wrist and started leading him towards the car Jack broke the window of.

"Hey? Where are we going?" Jack asked as he tripped over his own foot. "Whad'jya say to that woman?" Jack became sleepier by the second, for a reason unapparent to him.

"I told her you needed a little, break- and we are going to do some other scene for now, while you relax in your trailer, okay?"

Jack nodded slightly, looking once again at his boots as they entered the car. Jack rest his head into his hands and slowly cradled it, back and forth.

"_Ugh…mood swings, dizziness, stupidity… this isn't like me- well, not this seriously. God, what is wrong with my head? Ugh… I need a- _"

Jack pulled his head up and inhaled deeply: they were near his trailer. As the man helped him onto his feet, Jack slowly walked up the steps to the trailer and slammed it behind him and into Gerard's face.

Jack fiercely searched Johnny's trailer in hopes of finding what he believed was the answer to alllllllllll his problems.

It was almost heavenly when he stumbled upon it: a small refrigerator of thigh-height. It was not locked, and it was not hidden. It was chrome with a tiny post-it note on it that said, in capital letters: "INSPIRATION"

Jack wrapped his fingers, one-by-one around the handle and slowly pulled open the door.

Jack looked toward the cabinet his hostage was kept, soundly "asleep".

"Love ya', mate." Jack said, as he grabbed as many bottles of rum as he could and set them down on the table adjacent.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: WILL Jack finally kill Johnny Depp!? WILL Jack be better now that he's intoxicated!? WILL Geoffrey Rush recover from that crotch-kick!? TUNE IN NEXT TIME FOR THE ANSWERS!!!!!


	15. The Keira Cometh

DISCLAIMER: seriously, does anyone really think I own the pirates of the Caribbean or Jack Sparrow? Well, they should cuz I do… or not… or maybe I do… yeah, I own him… SUE ME, DISNEY!!! AHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Butreally,idon'townhim…

That night, Jack bathed himself in rum. Not literally, of course… that would be kind of creepy, but he did get himself so stinking drunk he had regulated his cycle of breathing, thinking, acting… everything.

Right now, however- because his body had had a severe alcohol withdrawal for several weeks- he was passed out, like his actor counterpart in a cabinet, on the floor. And, of course, with sleep and unconsciousness, came another:

_"Jack! Jack! YOU IDIOT!!"_

_"Oh, God… you're going to hit me or something, aren't you?"_

_"Of course!" Jack was slapped by Elizabeth._

_"Augh!" _

_"When are you NOT going to be a moron?"_

_"Starting now, my dear: Guess what!"_

_"What?"_

_"I'M DRUNK!!!"_

_"That's terrific… Jack, I gotta' tell you something: you don't understand that--"_

_"Understand what?"_

_"You don't understand that…you don't have to kill Johnny anymore!"_

_"…"_

_"Jack?"_

_"Clarify." _

_"… oh, well, Johnny is an actor…and, well, he plays you in these movies…"_

_"…Precisely why I must kill him…"_

_"No! Jack, when he plays you in the movies, a lot of people watch… a lot more people than in live theatre… I'm talking a WORLD-WIDE audience."_

_Jack was speechless. _

_"Jack… when Johnny plays you, a lot of people like you!"_

_"But I'm terrible… a bloody pirate."_

_"They don't care! They even have these websites where people write stories about-"_

_"Stop: you're saying I don't have to kill him anymore?"_

_"Yes, stupid, that's what I've been saying the entire time, sheesh, sometimes you can be such an idiot- AUGH!! AUGH!! WHAT'RE YOU DOING!?" _

_Jack grabbed the delicate bitch's face and brought it as close to his as he could without it looking TOO sexual. _

_"Listen, you're smart… and smokin' hott, but I don't appreciate you calling me stupid anymore, and I'm not going to let you hit me, savvy?"_

_Elizabeth nodded, freaking scared. _

_"Good." He said, letting go of her. "I'm glad we're on like ter- AUGH!! AUGH!!! NO, ELIZABETH, NOOOOOOOO!!!"_

_Elizabeth had grabbed Jack by the dreadlocks and forced him to the ground, placing her sharp, pointed shoe atop his neck._

_"DON'T YOU EVER, **EVER** THREATEN ME AGAIN!!!!! YOU HEAR ME, BOY!?!?!?"_

_"I HEAR YOU, ELIZABETH, I HEAR YOU!!!!"_

_"WHO'S MUH BITCH!?!?!? WHO!?!?"_

_"I'M YOUR BITCH!!!! I'M YOUR BITCH!!!!!!" Jack yelled, covering his face._

_"AND DON'T YOU FORGET IT!!!! NOW GET OUT OF MY SIGHT!!!"_

When Elizabeth kicked him a last time, Jack immediately woke up on the floor, fiercely moving his head from side to side, looking for the now non-existent Elizabeth.

Jack then spied something atop the table he hadn't before: a large stack of paper with the title that Jack found – particularly interesting:

"Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End"

However, in green sharpie, something was written over the front cover:

"Johnny's: NOT yours, Orlando!! GET YER' BRITISH GIBS OFF!!"

"What a weirdo…" Jack said, holding in his palms, and opening up to a random page. The smile Jack produced earlier on his face, slowly faded away for, as he read the script, he had the oddest feeling he was being watched.

He knew, of course, that that was impossible, for the only windows had curtains, all of which were drawn.

Perhaps it was the fact that, as he read the script, he knew he had said all these words before. Every single one. Even his actions were historically correct!!

JACK waves his hands around like an idiot as

ELIZABETH and WILL look on

"Like an idiot? That's being a tad harsh, don'tcha think?" asked Jack, frowning as he set down the script, confused and bewildered.

Jack thought long and hard about how this could be possible, but he soon shrugged it off as he returned to his drinking. However, his drinking was interrupted by the simultaneous banging wood.

Jack shot his glance over to the trailer door and immediately waltzed over to it, opening the door to reveal Gerard.

"May I be of any assistance?" Jack first asked with a charming sneer and then a sincere smile.

"Johnny? You okay, have you been-"

"One moment, please." Jack closed the door, locked it and quickly picked up the empty rum bottles, hiding them inside a cabinet.

He unlocked the door, standing in the door way and displaying his pirate smile.

"You were- um, saying?" Jack stepped out of the trailer and closed the door.

"Um, yeah, um… Johnny, are you okay now?"

"Oh, yes, I was just drunk." Jack said nonchalantly, removing the smile from his face (which seemed inappropriate to flaunt when talking about his own intoxication).

"Oh, Dear! That… that explains a lot." Gerard said, nervously laughing. Jack laughed along with him.

"Well, I've explored Jack's... character and I believe I'm ready to perform!"

Gerard seemed confused.

"But you've only been in your trailer for twenty minutes… "

Jack, the master of improvisation he knew he was, said:

"Well, what do you expect from Johnny Depp? I've done this character so many times, it's like I AM him!" Jack said, placing his hand over his bosom (that's a fancy, old word for chest that I learned from Edgar Allen Poe.. it can also mean "boob"… but I'm not using it that way).

"Yeah, I guess so… well, I'll radio Gore and tell him you're ready."

While Gerard turned away, Jack ran inside the trailer briefly checked on Johnny, and hit him over the head with a frying pan on the floor, to make sure he wouldn't wake up while he was gone.

He then ran out of the trailer, and locked the door with a key, stuffing it into his boot.

Once again, the two were transported to the exact same beach with the "Pearl" on it.

Jack was greeted with many people, asking him if he had gotten better, and he replying that he was completely and utterly drunk, making a joke out of his making-out with a boat.

He then apologized to the recovering Geoffrey Rush, as did Keira Knightley to him for slapping him a couple times.

"It's perfectly fine- I probably would have slapped myself if I had the chance."

This made Keira laugh unnaturally loud and snort occasionally and she was forced to hold her hand over her mouth, embarrassed.

The reason Jack had so willingly agreed to filming atop the faux-Pearl was because, as everyone went through their lines, he recognized the situations that had happened hundreds of years ago, and recited what he said and, basically, just acted as himself.

Filming was remarkably short, to Jack's surprise: only two hours or so. When that was done, Jack and several others were helped off the large ship and were all dispersing, whether to their trailers or waiting for further instructions.

Jack was preoccupied with talking to Keira, who was a lot more interesting than the REAL Elizabeth and a lot less violent.

"Johnny, you were magnificent!! Well, I mean, you've ALWAYS been a terrific actor but today… it was like Johnny had just disappeared!! Are you SURE you aren't Captain Jack Sparrow?"

Keira laughed at her own lame joke, as did Jack.

"_OHMYGAWD, she's onto me!!!!_" Jack panicked mentally, but didn't dare run away (which was his first impulse).

After their laughter slowed to a stop, they awkwardly stared into each other's eyes.

"_God, she's hott… and neither verbally or physically abusive… wait, what am I thinking!? I can't be turned on by her!! Why not? Well, we're supposed to be, like, co-stars!! What's wrong with doin' it with you co-star!? Nothing, I suppose... am I arguing with myself? Yes, you are. Oh… well, anyway, they're mutual friends and you just want to go out with her because she's the Elizabeth who won't threaten to knee you!! THAT'S A LIE!! No it isn't, YOU'RE the liar!!! Actually, she's seeming a LOT less hotter…ugh. Her hotness is fading… fading… oh! Now it's gone… crap, thanks a lot other me!_"

Jack didn't notice he had distorted his face into a downward-looking sneer for about thirty seconds. Keira had taken notice.

"Um… Johnny?"

Jack shook his head and brought himself back to reality.

"Huh… oh, yes?"

"Um, I was wondering if I could show you something in my trailer."

Jack's eyes widened.

"You're not going to have sex with me, are you?" Jack said, moving his head further away from Keira, but keeping his feet grounded.

"What did you just say?" Keira asked, taken aback.

"Uh, that scene you did was very com_plex_ with me."

"Johnny, that was rhetorical, I know exactly what you said."

Jack sunk his teeth into his lower lip and decided to do the only thing he could do in awkward situations like this:

"Aha!! Hahaha!!"

Keira was being a leeeeeetle slow today… so she started to laugh too.

"_God, I still wanna' do her…_".

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I looking at a picture of Jack Sparrow and I'm all, GOD, I HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATE SEAN PENN!!!!!! HE STOLE JOHNNY'S OSCAR FOR THIS, BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL CHARACTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!!!!!


	16. The Trailer

AUTHOR: sorry it took me FOREVER to write this… I guess I'm just a procrastinator… enjoy!!

When we were last off, Jack was laughing uncomfortably with Keira.

VERY uncomfortably.

"Well, what do you say?" asked Keira.

"Come again?" Jack asked.

"Did you want to see something in my trailer?" asked Keira, in her sweet, innocent British accent.

Now that Jack (thought) that he wasn't turned on by her, he obliged quickly by nodding his head and smirking slightly.

Keira smiled as wide as her mouth allowed her and turned on her heels to a limousine awaiting her, to which Jack and she got upon and talked.

"Well, what is it, Keira?"

"Hmm?" she asked.

"What, dare I say, lies in your trailer?" he asked, again, putting on his sexy face… oh, wait… he's always like that… never mind.

Keira seemed to be barricading some sort of joy within her body, because she smiled as wide as she could, interlaced her fingers and shook violently before bursting out, into Jack's face:

"IT'S A SURPRISE!!!!!"

Jack smiled greatly and sent forth his arms, as if to give her a hug.

"That's simply fantastic, Keira!!!" he said sarcastically.

"Wow, this girl is a ditz."

Keira thanked the driver when they arrived at her trailer, which was, actually, about twenty feet parallel from Johnny's. REMEMBER THAT!!!!

Keira completely rambled on about this type of triple-chocolate chip cookie that she "absolutely ADORED!!!" as they neared the door to her trailer.

"Oh, God, if I have to hear her ramble about that cookie for ONE MORE MINUTE, I'll have to scrape my ears off with a spoon…"

Though, as Jack and she entered the trailer, Keira closed the door and locked it… for some reason.

The trailer Keira had was hardly different from his, except the interior decorating seemed to focus more on an Italian setting.

As Jack looked around the trailer, Keira seemed to remember why they were here because she jumped up and down, clapping vigorously before grabbing both of Jack's hands and facing him with a smile on his face.

The side of Jack's conscience that previously thought Keira was hott freaked out.

"OHMYGAWD, OHMYGAWD, SHE'S HOLDING MY HANDS!!" said that side of Jack I've decided to name Edward (yes, after the guy with the scissors-for-hands).

"Oh, come on… she's a little prep, she'd hold anyone's hands…let alone our dirty, cracked ones…" said the skeptical, probably correct side of Jack's conscience I've decided to name Todd (yes, after the murderous barber- SWEENEY!!!!).

"I'm going to go show you the special secret!!!" squealed Keira, instructing him to sit down upon the "oh-so cute sofa I picked out especially from a French catalogue!"

Jack obliged to her wishes by seating himself down upon the sofa, which intimidated Jack as it sucked him into the upholstery. Keira skipped off into another room in the large trailer.

"Oh, God… this is gonna' be hard…"

"What?"

"NOT mounting her like a lion in sexual ecstasy…"

"sigh…"

"She is sooooo hott… she is sooooo hott… she is-HI-YAH!!!!"

And, at that moment, Edward did a round-house to the head of Todd. Jack's body twitched as the sexually-charged Jack suddenly overtook the common sense Jack.

"OH, BETCHA' DIDN'T SEE THAT COMIN' NOW, DIDJA'!?!? OH, I AM ON FIRE!!"

Jack sprung up from the couch and yelled "BOOYAH!!!" as loud as he possibly could, which sent Keira running in from the other room.

"Johnny! Johnny! What is it?" she asked, holding a pie in two pink oven mittens.

Jack (who was facing the other way) turned around and stared her in the face before smiling and slowly walking over to her.

"Keira, Keira, Keira… " he said, relaxing his eyelids and stroking her face.

"Jooooooooohnny? What're you-?" Before Keira could finish her sentence, she was thrust into the body and face of Jack Sparrow and they viciously made out with each other.

The seemingly mild-mannered Keira now ripped open Jack's shirt and her's in mere seconds. It had taken the two all of twenty seconds to develop deep, red bruises on their bare chests from the rug burn they rolled upon, exchanging positions on top of each other.

In the meantime, the author of this chapter removed all her values and tore out her own heart to achieve this in-depth blasphemy. BLASPHEMY!!!!!!

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!

Back to our scheduled make-out scene:

Keira and Jack rolled around the trailer into two other rooms, knocking over anything in their path, including the table, which was shredded to pieces after they continuously spun above it several times.

But then, the inevitable:

Keira detached her lips from Jack's and stared at the ceiling above, as Jack scoured her neck.

"Johnny-"

"Hmm?" Jack asked, pausing briefly to look into her eyes.

"Johnny!" Keira said, pushing Jack off herself and groping around for her shirt, shielding her chest with her free arm.

"Oh! This is so wrong!!!" she said, distressed.

"What?" Jack asked. Keira turned around and looked at Jack, still shirtless.

"Johnny- you're married!! With CHILDREN!!"

"Oh, yeah…" The Edward-side of Jack's mind thought, like the forgetful idiot he was, "…oops…"

Jack looked toward the ground, trying to come up with something, but only saying the completely idiotic thing that was on his mind:

"Well, I'm not Johnny… I'm Jack Sparrow."

"What are you talking about?" Keira said, still shirt-less.

Jack crawled to her on his knees like a cheetah toward the girl.

"I'm not really Johnny- I'm Jack Sparrow… the REAL Jack Sparrow!!"

Keira looked at him as if- well, as if he was claiming he was Jack Sparrow- and, although jack knew she wouldn't believe him, kept on spewing desperate pleas to believe his true identity.

"I was transported here somehow, but I AM Jack Sparrow!!"

It was after that sentence that Keira's "O"-shaped mouth melted into a grimace.

"Did Orlando put you up to this?" she said, crossing her arms.

"Eh?"

"I knew it! You come in here and make out with em even thought YOU KNOW I had a crush you back in the nineties!!" Keira looked at Jack as if she was about to break his face.

"Wait-what?"

"YOU BASTARD!!!!" she yelled, leaping on top of Jack, pulling at his hair.

"AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!!!!!!"

If anyone had walked in on them now, the person could never have guessed that they were making out only, like, thirty seconds ago.

Keira slapped Jack in the face five times, leaving red bruises on his cheeks and nose. It was then that Jack made the worst mistake: he fought back.

It wasn't event hat hard of a blow but, because it was coming from the him, Keira stopped for a second, in shock and stood up.

"K-Keira, I'm sorry… I.-"

Keira unleashed a loud shriek and jumped on Jack once more, an onslaught of terror followed.

"I guess she IS like Elizabeth…" Jack thought to himself, yelling and praying for mercy like the sad maggot he was.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: OMG!!! I WENT TO SSE "BLADES OF GLORY" AND I SAW THE POTC3 TRAILER ON THE BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIG SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN!!!!! AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!!!!!! I LOVE THE MOVIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!!!!!!!!!


	17. The Meeting

Jack was still getting the crud being beat out of him, screaming like a little girl and thinking non-sequitur thoughts such as:

"_Ah, geez- if she kills me, I won't get to eat that pie I saw in Johnny's fridge". _

Of course, Jacks terrible beating he received was an insect on Mount Kilimanjaro compared to the beating he would soon receive from the man who knocked on the trailer door.

It was with that knock that Keira spazed out- throwing a not-shredded up sweater from off the floor and threw it on.

The door exploded…

Okay, well, it didn't explode but I had writers block so I just wrote that…

However, an axe DID fall through the door, sending splinters flying toward the two. Keira and Jack held each other in a fit of panic.

"AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!!!!!!!" their dissonant screams projected throughout the trailer.

Two unidentifiable hands thrust themselves through the hole in the door, seeking out the handle on the left side of the door. The two hands felt it, but were unable to turn it without cutting himself against the wood fragments on the hole. The two hands retreated, and the axe continued to sever the door.

Keira and Jack were STILL screaming, they hardly noticed that their faces were digging into the others', creating deep, red chaffing scars on their faces.

When the redness on their faces turned deep scarlet, the door gave way and a man, disguised by his own silhouette stepped through the door.

"OH, DEAR GOD, PLEASE, WHOEVER YOU ARE, I DIDN'T LAY A HAND ON HER!!" jack thrust himself from Keira and pointed at her, "SHE RAPED ME!!!"

"WHAT!?!?!? YOU ARE A FREAKING LIAR!!!"

Jack and Keira continued to argue until the figure standing in the doorway started to slouch, and sighed very deeply.

"Oh, Jack, come on…" said the man.

Jack stared at the shadowed man, ignoring the omnipresent screeches of Keira.

"Keira- shut up… please…" Jack asked of her, not taking his expanded eyes of him.

"SHUT UP!? HAVE YOU BEEN LISTENING TO ME!? I HAVE A RIGHT MIND TO-!!!"

Jack threw a chair at Keira's head, STILL not taking his eyes of the dude, at which- on impact- Keira fell to the ground, unconscious.

"God, she's just as annoying as Elizabeth." Said the dude.

"Yeah, but…" Jack said, stepping closer to the man, "Elizabeth is, like, ten times better in bed."

The guy grabbed Jack by the man-blouse and thrust him against the trailer wall.

"SHUT UP, LIKE YOU WOULD KNOW!!!"

"Will!!" Jack said, grabbing the adorable blacksmith buy the stomach and shoving his face into Will's chest.

Will removed Jack from his body, his face scrunched in discomfort, and sat down with him at the table.

"Okay, now, there's one of your flaws: how did you know you I wasn't the actor?"

"You mean, um… oh, God, what's his face? Um… Orville… er, something…? Well, I knew it wasn't him because you called me Jack…. Everyone else in this stupid little timeline calls me by that stupid actor's name."

Will rolled his eyes.

"Wait…" Jack said, tilting his head to the side, "How the heck did you get here?"

Orlando smacked Jack and whispered something into his ear:

"What? Deus ex _what_?" Jack said, Will still whispering into his ear, "_What_ author? Leah? Who the hell is-?"

William smacked Jack over the head again.

"DON'T SAY HER NAME!!!"

Will and Jack shared a nervous silence before, changing the subject, Will said:

"Okay, well, we kinda' need to get going before someone sees this." He said, pointing toward Keira, who's tongue was now lolling out of her mouth.

"Ugh… she's a lot less sexy when she's unconscious." Will nodded his head.

"Amen to that, bra'…" Jack put up his fist and Will did… well, whatever the thing dudes do at my school when they do, like, that high-five thing with the knuckles… yeah, and then they teach it to our friends' little sisters… oh, god, you guys should've been there… it was FUNNY!!!

Okay, back to the story.

Jack and Will were exiting the trailer, keeping a sharp eye out for any stray workers that weren't on set- when Jack remembered he had to check on Johnny… after all, the sun was beginning to go down.

"Ooooooooh…" Jack said, frowning.

"What?" said Will, turning around. "We gotta' get going, soon."

"Well, I have to check on Johnny, I locked him in the- wait, why exactly are we going again?" Jack said, ruffling his eyebrows.

"Well, we can't just stay here, the people'll FREAK if they find two some Orlando-look-alike and a drunk 'stunutman' and Johnny Depp in… what did you lock him in?"

"Cabinet."

"Oh, well, I'm pretty sure he'll stay unconscious for at least four more hours…"

"And how, may I ask, did you know he was unconscious?"

Will looked at him with that, Oh-come-on-Jack-you-know-better.

"Jack-" he started, "I know you too well."

"Ah…" Jack said, nodding his head back, but following Will quietly and cautiously into the Bahamian foliage behind Johnny's trailer.

NOTE: BOYCOTT!!! BOYCOTT!! BOYCOTT SPIDERMAN 3!!!!!! COME ON, BABY, WE CAN DO THIS!!! WE CAN NOT LET POTC3 BE BEAT OUT BY SOME TOBEY MACGUIRE IN TIGHTS!!!!!!! IF YOU _MUST_ SEE IT, DON'T SEE IT FIRST WEEK!!!! AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!!!!!!!!! Oh, by the way, if you were wondering what the "deus ex what?" quote, look up the phrase "deus ex machina" and it'll explain EVERYTHING.


	18. The Matter of Trust

As Jack followed Will into the foliage, he suddenly realized that he didn't feel like he should be taking a chance with Johnny and not checking on him. He taped Will on the shoulder.

"Boy," he began, "I'm going to check on the actor."

"You mean Johnny?"

"No, I mean Robert DeNiro." Jack said, sarcastically.

"Do you even know who that is?"

Jack looked over his shoulder and glared at Will.

"No…" he muttered, walking over cautiously to Johnny's trailer before Will grabbed him.

"Erg! Let- GO, Boy!"

"No!! Jack!! We need to go- NOW!!"

"I don't even know where we're going! BACK OFF!!" Jack yelled, biting Will on the arm.

"AUGH!!! JESUS!! YOU JUST BIT ME ON THE ARM!!"

Will ranted and swore while Jack made a break for it, grabbing the key he kept in his shoe and fumbled with it as he burst into the trailer: there was no sign that Johnny had gotten out.

Jack waltzed his way over to the cabinet, in which he thrust it open and anticipated the worst. However, nothing was wrong: Johnny was still underneath the sink, unconscious and serene.

Jack exhaled and moseyed-on-down to the table and fell into a chair, exhaling yet again. Will rushed in, eyeing the trailer to see what Jack had done, if anything.

"JACK!!! We have to go!!! Come ON!!!"

"What is your problem? What the hell is the big hurry?" Jack said, sinking further into the chair and resting his feet on the table.

"I- never mind that! Just, TRUST me!!"

Jack stood up.

"Okay!! Okay!! I'll TRUST you!!! I'll trust the guy who originally tried to kill ME, who tried to steal the key of Davy Jone's from ME, and who thinks I'm having an AFFAIR with his girlfriend and who's a HYPOCRITE because HE doesn't trust ME!!!"

Will rolled his eyes and hung his mouth open.

"Oh, come on!! I tried to kill YOU because you were a pirate!! I tried to steal the key from you because I wanted to save someone I LOVED, instead of MYSELF!!!! I THINK you're having an affair with my girlfriend because you MAKE OUT WITH HER!!!! And I don't trust YOU because you're a LIAR!!!!!"

Will glared at Jack.

"Aaaaaaand… that's it?"

"UGH!! You're JUST like a little KID!!!" Will said, turning away from him and rubbing his temples.

"_**I'M**_ A LITTLE KID!?!?!?" Jack yelled, turning Will around to face him.

"Yes- you ARE!!"

"Well, well… you're MEAN!!!"

Jack and Will started accusing each other of being several things: "jerks", "idiots"… "fugly skanks"… until, that is, they heard a groan emit from the trailer.

"Ugggh… augh…" went the cabinet. Jack faced Will:

"THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!! NOW HE'S AWAKE!!"

"HOW THE HECK IS THIS _**MY**_ FAULT!?!?"

Jack paused for a second.

"Hmm… I don't actually know… I just wanted to make you feel bad to hide my own insecurities about myself."

"Acceptance is the first step, dude."

They did that knuckle thingy again- er, excuse me… "props". They then proceeded to give each other a hold-hands-bring-y'er-shoulders-together-then-pat-each-other-over-the-back-man-hug… gosh, dudes do the weirdest displays of affection.

Of course, whilst they gave each other their masculine love-giving, a certain sexiest actor alive was coming to his senses in an open cabinet.

"_Uh… where- where am I?_" Johnny thought to himself. "_Oh, yeah, wait…that crazy dude beat me up and- why am I in a cabinet?_"

Johnny writhed out of the cabinet halfway before noticing Will and Jack.

"YOU!!" Johnny yelled, looking at Jack.

"ME!!" Jack yelled.

"HIM!!" Will yelled.

Johnny pulled himself out of the cabinet, grabbed a rum bottle Jack had previously emptied, hit against the sink and held the jagged end toward the two.

Will unsheathed his sword.

"Do you think this wise, boy? Crossing blades with a pirate?" Will said.

Jack slapped him over the head.

"No quoting me."

Jack, thinking on his toes, threw a chair at Johnny's head: Johnny ducked at just the right time.

"AUGH!! HEY- DON'T HIT MY FACE!! It's insured for $500,000!!! And I do NOT want to go through another lawsuit!!!"

However, Johnny's rant distracted him for just a second, which gave Jack another opportunity to throw a chair at his face, which hit dead-on.

Johnny fell to the floor, his Jack Sparrow wig partially fallen off his head and his mascara'd eyes relaxed.

Will grabbed Jack by the man-vest and said;

"Come on, Jack- I don't wanna' go through this again."

"No!! If we leave Johnny unattended what's gonna' stop him from turning us in?" Jack said, in a oh-burn-to-you-eunuch-boy kinda' way.

"If we go NOW, we can get off the island!"

"WHY would I want to do that!? I- hey, how can we get off the island? Do you- Oh, just let me kill the bastard and THEN we can go…"

Jack picked up a butcher knife resting in the sink and started to make his way over to Johnny.

"AUGH!!! NO!!" Will lunged through the air in Jack's direction and grabbed his leg, sending both of the men onto the ground, amassed atop the actor. Will grasped the wrist that Jack had the butcher knife in and sat on Jack's stomach, making every attempt to extract the object from Jack's hand.

"AUGH-!!! LET ER! _**GO**_, BOY!!!"

"NO!! _**TRUST**_ ME, JACK!!"

Only a few moments later, Jack loosened his grip on the knife, until it completely fell out of his grasp and onto the floor.

Will quickly removed himself from Jack and grabbed the knife, putting it into the sink and breathing heavily: Jack still lied on Johnny.

"Alright, Boy, I trust you… but I'll be expecting answers very soon, savvy?" Jack said, in a serious tone (psh… for ONCE in my stupid story)

Will nodded his head.

"Well, come on… like I said, we have to move quickly!"

Before Will left to leave, Jack asked of him:

"Boy, before I trust you, I need to know that you trust me… wait for me behind the trailer-" Now, Jack bowed down and looked at Will, "-do you trust me to not do anything to Johnny?"

Will looked down for a second and bit his lip before leaving the trailer, not even looking at Jack.

As Will only briefly waited behind the trailer, he had a deep conversation with himself:

"_Oh, God… what have I DONE? Jack's probably killing him right now!! Oh, my God…now, now… just take breath, Will… he asked you to trust you…and, you know what? I think I trust him… I really do… of course, I don't know what he IS doing in there, but I trust that man… oh, God… I trust that man... he-he… he's my friend._"

Will smiled to himself and closed his eyes, kneeling on the soft ground beneath him. Will opened his eyes only when someone shook his shoulder behind him.

"Will. Will! Okay, come on… let's go."

It was Jack, an unconscious Johnny Depp over his shoulder.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: F is for funny, 'cuz we all now this video is… U is for U gotta' see this… N is for Nobody can resist laughing if they watch this if they are TRUE PotC fans…

Please, watch this… I'm not affiliated with it, but I'm just so obsessed with this video right now, I need to promote it… I NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED TO!!!!! All you do is go to youtube and type in "pirates fun song" and click on the first one... its really funny... i had to give out directions cuz fanfiction doesn't let you type in the address... stupid...


	19. The Campsite

"JACK- what the hell are you doing? Put him back!!"

"No… sorry, boy. Can't leave the guy alone."

"JACK!! Put him back!!"

"We JUST got through talking about trust: how am I supposed to trust you if you don't let me bring Johnny along? I swear on my father's grave-"

"Your father's alive, Jack."

"Oh, you suck. Um… I swear on… jeez. Can I just _say_ my dad? I don't know any dead people I CARE about."

"Jack, what does this have to do with-?"

"Oh! Oh! I swear on the grave of my second-cousin, Lamar."

"Lamar?"

"Yeah… Lamar. Didn't I ever tell you about him? He's cool- makes one hell of a Bloody Mary."

"Jack- we have to hike a mile and a half to get to where we're going and I do not want you to slow us down by carrying a MAN- especially one that you could potentially kill at any moment despite my best efforts to make sure you don't."

Jack rolled his eyes and put his free hand (the one that wasn't fastened Johnny's back) on Will's shoulder.

"Look- Johnny is NOT going to be a problem- you told me not to kill him and I won't. You don't want to be slowed down and you WON'T- I promise. 'Kay?"

Will sized up Jack and considered all the terribly horrible things that could go wrong. That's when Jack stated a very convincing statement:

"If we have Johnny within our sight at all time, he can't turn us in for attacking him and Keira."

"But, Jack- you did all those things!"

"Yeah, but I'll tell'em you did it, too. Now what? They'll believe me."

Jack smiled widely- he knew that Will knew that he knew he was _completely_ right.

"Oh, God… whatever, Jack. Just get something to, I dunno', hit him with or something just in case he-"

Jack pulled out two objects behind his back.

"Frying pan or Encyclopedia?"

Will backed away from Jack.

"You scare me when you do things like that. Frying pan… more durable."

Jack tossed the encyclopedia behind his head as Will peered over the side of the trailer and…

Well, by now you should all know that I am a crack writer. My stories and situations do not make sense. My characterization is (sometimes purposely) over exaggerated and unrealistic. And I am proud of it, y'hear? PROUD!!! And, because my stories do NOT make sense and I only write these for my personal enjoyment (as well as YOURS), I will spare myself some sappy, melodramatic description of our two protagonists' mile and a half journey into the Bahamian jungle/ forest/ foliage place and skip right to the good parts. Oh, keep in mind they crossed over the part reserved for filming the movie… over the fence.

Jack let go of Johnny, letting the unconscious actor slip right off his back, as he sprawled his sweaty body upon the ground.

"It- is- so- HOTT!!"

"Jack, it's, like, eight o'clock- it can't be _that_ hott out… I don't feel hott."

"THAT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT OVERLY OSTENTATIOUS!! YOU try wearing FIVE layers of clothing while carrying a dude on your back!!" Jack said, lifting his head to mutter that and then throwing it back to the ground again when he was finished.

Will rolled his eyes but smirked slightly and started chuckling.

"Oh, sure," Said Jack, "laugh at the- freaking hot sweaty guy…"

"Jack- you're really funny sometimes, you know that?"

Jack once again lifted up his head, panting heavily.

"Is that _really_ what you wanted to say to me?"

"Well, yeah… I guess." Will said, shrugging.

Jack's head flew back onto the soil.

"You're weird… and that was _seriously_ random. How much farther do we have to go? I'm so tired, a Mary Sue could molest me and I wouldn't lift a finger."

Jack paused for a moment.

"Okay… maybe if she was _molesting_ me I would do something about it… but, you know what I mean."

Will massaged his eyes because they hurt so much from rolling them all them time.

"We actually have only a couple hundred meters to go before we reach the campsite."

Jack sat up, this time lifting his entire torso from the ground, instead of just his head.

"Wait? What?" Jack squinted his eyes and turned his head slightly in confusion. "Campsite? When did you ever mention a campsite?"

Will looked to the ground.

"Well… I suppose I didn't."

"We- uh, how long are we going to stay there? You need to tell me why, too!"

"Jack, I'll answer all your questions once we get there, okay? Remember the trust thingy?"

Jack turned his head and fake-gagged.

"I hate trust… it's boring."

Jack picked up Johnny and the frying pan when Will started walking away. It only took them a few minutes to come to a small clearing in the wood where a small tent, cooler, electric lantern and a few folding chairs were placed about the place.

"And… _how_ long have you've been staying here, Will?" Jack said, dropping Johnny like a duffel bag.

"About two days."

Jack looked around suspiciously, an uneasiness briefly striking him. There was something weird about this campsite… something out of place. Something… wrong.

Maybe it was the female undergarments strewn about the site.

"Wi-ill…? Is there any reason there's a bodice on the cooler?" Jack said, turning on his heels to stare at him.

Will started to say something but was interrupted when the answer manifested itself in the form of a groan emitting from the small tent.

"Ugh…" said the tent again.

The tent's zipper, that separated the interior from the outside world, was slowly undone and a small, dainty hand emerged first.

The hand was followed an arm, and then a shoulder, and then…

"OH MY GOD!!!!" yelled Jack, jumping back, hitting a tree and falling to the ground.

Jack grabbed his throbbing head with both hands, still on the ground. He managed to mutter one word from his mouth as he rolled over onto his back and groaned:

"Elizabeth?"

AUTHOR'S NOTE: TEN DAYS 'TIL POTC 3!!! AUUUUUUUUUUUGH!!!!! Oh, and I TRIED to make this last part as NOT as suspenseful and cliff-hangerish as possible, but having Elizabeth be on the campsite for the first time in the series is… well, cliffhangerish. Geez… my chapters are soooooooooooooooo short… and I am sooooooooooooo lazy.


	20. The Promiscuity of Elizabeth

BEFORE Y'READ: BE AWARE!! SERIOUS ELIZABETH BASHING SHALL FOLLOW!!! I AM NOT A SPARRABETH!!! Oh, and:

20TH CHAPTER!!!! WOOOOOOHOOOOOOO!!!!! YEAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! THANK YOU ALL WHO HAVE BEEN WIT' ME FROM CHAPTER ONE!!! AND ALL THOSE WHO CAME IN LATER!!!!! YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!! YOU GUYS ROCK!!!

Elizabeth ran over to Jack in high heels, a tank top and a mini-skirt.

"Jack! Jack!" she shouted, briefly tripping over a small rock. She kneeled on the ground, cradling the injured Jack close to her body. Jack had difficulty breathing, as she deeply smothered him with great force. The flesh Jack was held against seemed very soft, and Jack pushed Elizabeth away when he realized that his face was not in her shoulder (which he originally thought), but in her chest.

"EWW, ELIZABETH!!!" he said, holding himself. "I'M SORRY, BUT YOUR BOOBS ARE NOT LARGE NOR ATTRACTIVE, SO STOP DIGGING MY FACE INTO THEM!!!"

Elizabeth sat back onto the ground, both she and William's mouths hanging wide open.

"Oh, don't act so SHOCKED!!! You KNOW I've been DYING to say that to you ever since I first SAW you!!! That corset was pushing them up to inhumanly heights!! And now that we're on the topic of why I despise your body, I MUST say that your tongue tastes like SAND!!!"

Jack's whole chest thrust up and down as he finished the last sentence, his fingernails digging into his palms and his eyes fixed on Elizabeth.

Will was the first to speak:

"Jack- what is your-?"

"OH!!! I'M NOT FINISHED!!!" Jack said with a maniacal smile on his face, getting right into William's face. "You better watch out, Will- 'cuz just when you think she's madly in love with you, making out with you and making you feel all _special_" (this is when he turned to Elizabeth) "SHE FEEDS YOU TO A SQUID!!!!!"

Elizabeth's eyes began twitch and -suddenly and without forewarning- began to sob. Will grabbed him by the arm before Jack started to say:

"Oh, and you're dressed like a slu-"

"WHAT is your problem!?" Will said, sternly and confused.

Jack was breathing through his nose now, still deeply and strained.

"YOU KNOW WHAT MY PROBLEM IS!?!?"

"Shut up!!" whispered Will, his eyes darting back and forth between the weeping Elizabeth and Jack. "Can you stay quiet for _one_ minute and _answer _my question? Or is that too hard for you?"

Jack did not reply.

"Look-" Will started, "why are you so upset?"

Jack closed his eyes for a long time before calming down.

"I am _angry_ because this doesn't make sense."

"What doesn't? Life? Of course not."

"NO!! Not life…where did THAT come from? I'm talking about _this_: A campsite? Elizabeth? _Where_ is this all coming from and _why_ wasn't I informed of all this before hand? I mean- it's overwhelming!"

"But _why_ are you taking this out on Elizabeth?"

Jack briefly looked back to Elizabeth, who was STILL wailing… but draped over a rock, this time.

"Because… well, what do you want it in?" Jack asked.

"Want what?"

"Order of the things she's done to me to deserve this. I have it organized in several ways… "Jack said as-a-matter-of-factly, pulling out a composition notebook."Chronologically, Degree of Internal Pain, Degree of External Pain, Extent of Destruction to my Social and/ or Mental State…"

"Jack… this is-"

"Let me finish." Jack said, strictly. "Quantity of Injuries Received to my Head…"

"Oh, come ON, Jack- nothing Elizabeth's done has given you brain damage."

Jack leaned in towards Will, grabbing the lining of his vest and thrusting it close to him.

"You know NOTHING of my relationship with that woman. See this eye?" Jack asked, pointing to his left eye. "I used to be able to cry with this one… until the hammer incident… "

Jack's entire body momentarily twitched, as he looked to the ground.

Will sighed, ignoring that last comment.

"Look, Jack… I told you I would tell you everything and I promise I will… but you didn't need to go hollering at Elizabeth like that… I don't think she deserves to-"

"She made out with Ragetti AND Pintel to steal his new glass eye to buy Whiskey that night when you told her not to because she had gotten crazy drunk."

"SHE TOLD ME SHE WAS OUT WITH HER FATHER, THAT WHORE!!!" Will said, furious, turning on his feet to confront Elizabeth when he stopped and faced Jack. "Why did she make out with Pintel?"

Jack shrugged.

"Horny, I guess."

Jack and Will stomped over to Elizabeth, Will's face red and a smirk on Jack's.

Elizabeth looked up at the two, her eyes swollen and her body in an obviously set-up position to make her look more helpless and innocent.

"Why did you do all that stuff to us? Don't you know that it hurts us?"

"Both mentally AND physically (coughTEARDUCTcough)." Said Jack.

"Yeah, and- wait a second!" Will turned to Jack, putting his hands on his hips. "You're trying to get me angry with Elizabeth, aren't you?"

Jack stepped back and opened his mouth up.

"I have no idea what you are talking about."

"What's going on, Will?" asked Elizabeth, genuinely and utterly confused. Jack decided to answer for him.

"Well, I was criticizing both your body and personality when Will intervened and you started crying like the sissy we all now you are. Then, Will asked me what my problem was and I said I had no idea what was going on and your little pubescent boyfriend-"

"HEY!" both Will and Elizabeth said.

"- assured me he would tell me what was going on. But, THE-EN, he asked me WHY I was yelling at you and I said because you deserved it, you suh-lut."

Elizabeth sprang from where she stood to where Jack was position and grabbed his hair.

"WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME!?!?!?"

"AUGH!! AUGH!! SEE!?!? SEE!?!? THIS IS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!!!! ABUSE!!!! I _KNEW_ IT WAS YOU THAT POISONED MY SWEET ROLL ON YOM KIPPUR-"

"_YOU'RE _NOT EVEN JEWISH, WHY DO YOU CELEBRATE IT!?!?"

"I DON'T!!! THAT'S JUST HOW I KEEP TRACK OF DAYS!!! AND IF YOU WERE ANY KIND OF IDIOT, YOU'D _KNOW_ THEY FAST ON YOM KIPPUR, MORON!!!!"

"SHUT UP, BOTH OF YOU!!!!" yelled Will.

There was a long silence between the trio; the only sound emanating from Johnny, whose breathing was temporarily disturbed by a leaf that fell over his mouth.

"Now, I don't know what you guys are talking about but if we're going to live together we need to learn to get along and NOT discuss any past happenings: JACK, ELIZABETH."

The two looked to the ground, their arms crossed. As Elizabeth stared to the ground, here eyes met that of Johnny's body- sprawled upward next to the tent: she hadn't seen him there before.

She turned to Will.

"Why do we have Johnny?" she seemed annoyed and deeply concerned. "I thought we were leaving him at the site."

"Well, that was the original plan- but Jack was _busy_ while we were away." Will said, briefly glaring at Jack.

"What? WHAT did I do?" Jack said. Will simply returned to talking to Elizabeth, his expression now exhausted and annoyed.

"I'll tell you what you did, Jack-" Will started, staring at Elizabeth. "First, he hijacked a French plane to come here, beat up Johnny, stuffed him in a closet-"

"Cabinet." Jack corrected him.

"Stuffed him in a _cabinet_," Will said, very irritated. "Made out with Keira, and knocked _her _out."

Elizabeth held her mouth open before closing her eyes and rubbing her temples.

"WHY did you make out with Keira?" asked Elizabeth.

"Because I knew she wasn't going to knee me in the face when I slept with her."

"Oh, COME ON!! I only did that ONCE!!" yelled Elizabeth.

"YOU DID WHAT!?!?" yelled Will.

There was an awkward silence, both Elizabeth and Jack feeling genuinely guilty for what they had just said. The two couldn't bring themselves to look at Will, now. Will looked to the ground, his hands on his hips, and laughed.

"You know what? Just, forget it… it's all water under the bridge now."

"Water? Why are you talking about water? There aren't any bridges around here." Elizabeth said.

"It's an _expression_, Elizabeth." Jack said. "It means 'it already happened, we can't fix it, so just forget about it'…"

Elizabeth nodded, agreeing.

"We'll just tie up Johnny and go to sleep… it's already really dark right now." Will said, his usually courageous and persevered tone of voice now lost almost all the luster it previously had.

Will rummaged through a navy blue duffel bag and threw a pair of handcuffs to Elizabeth, who cuffed Johnny' hands around a tree like it was routine.

"Hmmm…" Jack said, waltzing up to Elizabeth, wrapping his arms around her waist and resting his head on her shoulder as she stood up from cuffing Johnny. "Funny thing is- this hasn't been the first time you cuffed a similar lookin' man to a pole… oh, wait- that was ME." Jack said, pushing her away from his body and waltzing over to the tent.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I seem to stop my chapters abruptly, eh? Do you know what REALLY annoys me? The Chuck. E. Cheese's commercials- their the SAME ones from the 90s!! I should know, I remember the lameness back then and I remember them now… Oh, and i have figured out WHERE i'm going with the series- no more making stuff up as i go along... i NOW know where its gonig and WHEN its going to end... except you guys don't.


	21. The Sex Chapter

WARNING: almost half of this story is about sex. Don't ask me why: I juts think sex is funny. Heh… yes, I am different…

It was a very long night for all three of our protagonists: none of them slept entirely well. They all slept in the tent, Elizabeth in between both of the men, but the two never made eye contact with her and, instead, stared at their respective sides of the tent.

Will, who fell asleep the fastest (in only forty minutes), reflected upon the day as well as his relationship with Elizabeth and ended up falling asleep disappointed and less confident about himself.

He dreamed about muffins. They were blueberry.

Elizabeth was the second, who only spent an hour conscious before falling asleep. Before falling asleep, she was trying to create new, inventive ways to get Jack AND Will to make out with her tomorrow.

She dreamed about muffins. They were cinnamon-raisin.

Jack spent a whopping THREE house awake, trying to think of an ingenious plan to kill Johnny once Will and Elizabeth permitted him too. Jack was awake for so long because he felt particularly stressed that his spur-of-the-moment-automatic-idea-maker kind of mind couldn't produce anything that was up to par with his previous, resourceful ways of overcoming a problem.

He dreamed about bagels. What a rebel.

Jack was awakened, however, earlier than he would have liked to because, at about 7 o'clock in the morning, a very effeminate scream emitted from outside the tent.

"Shut UP, Will!" Jack said. "_God, he needs to work on that voice… he's like Justin Timberlake only less manly… actually, I take that back… they're both pretty damn womanly… that one song is pretty good, though…oh, what was it called? Damn it, why can't I think of… Oh! Sexyback… yeah, that's it! God… that's a kick-ass song._"

There was another scream; this time, Jack was getting angry. "_AUGH!! He interrupted me while thinking of random songs of Nsync members I like… jerk._"

Another scream.

Jack stormed out of the tent and yelled, "SHUT _UP_, WILL!!"

Jack felt very awkward when he realized it was Elizabeth who had been screaming, versus William. What made him feel even more awkward was that he was in the crossfire between Will and Johnny –both holding guns in the other's direction: Johnny's left arm was wrapped around Elizabeth's neck. Jack noticed that Elizabeth's wrists were cuffed, instead of Johnny's.

Jack raised his eyebrows.

"Okaaaaay…" he started, "And how did this happen?"

"Elizabeth is a whore!" yelled Will.

"Yes, we all know that, but why is Johnny going to kill her?"

"Because, she tried to-" started Johnny.

"All _I_ was trying to do-" interrupted Elizabeth. "-was to make Johnny feel less lonely! I just came out here, started to talk to him and then-"

"That's the stupidest lie I've EVER heard!!!" said Johnny. "SHE tried to seduce me!!"

Elizabeth burst into guilty tears.

"HE SAID HE WOULD SLEEP WITH ME, SO I UNCUFFED HIM, ALRIGHT!?!?!?"

Jack looked over Johnny's way.

"She was practically begging." Johnny said.

Jack exhaled, closed his eyes and opened them slowly, glaring at Elizabeth. His hands were on his hips like an angry woman.

"What?" asked Elizabeth.

"Can you stay NOT sex crazy for ONE minute? " said Jack, leering at her. "No, seriously, I'm _asking_ you… can you NOT be a raving sex lunatic for fifteen seconds?" Jack said, leering at her.

Everything was silent as they waited for Elizabeth's answer. Lizzy's mouth clenched and her head shook fiercely, as if she was trying to contain something with all strength she could conjure.

"God, you're so freaking sexy when you talk like that." She said, looking at Jack's face and raising her eyebrows up and down.

"You went all of ten seconds… that's, like, a record or something, isn't it?" Jack said, sarcastically yet, serious- if that makes any sense at all.

"Shut up! You guys don't understand- I NEED this more than you guys do!"

Will laughed.

"Oh, yeah- you absolutely NEED to hit on us."

"I DO!! I DO need to!! It's a medical condition!!"

"You'll have another medical condition if you don't stop this now: STDs!" yelled Jack. "They absolutely suck… and believe me, I should know."

Even Johnny commented on her condition:

"Seriously, girl, you should go to a clinic or something." Jack grinned and laughed.

"Yeah, this is coming from the man that has two kids."

Johnny turned to face Jack and gave a "and WHERE exactly did that come from?" look to him.

"What does _that_ mean!?" Johnny yelled, "I have two kids and that automatically makes me a sex demon? What is that supposed to-"

"WHY ARE WE TALKING ABOUT SEX!?!?!?" yelled Will, who was tired this particular morning and wanted to get this over with. The two arguing males were now silenced and looked toward Will.

Will was so pissed at this moment he started to laugh. Very loudly. He then threw the gun off to the side and sat down on top of the cooler, still laughing.

"You know what? I couldn't care less about what you do to her."

Jack seemed unfazed but still looked at Will, only slightly concerned. Johnny even seemed slightly worried. However, Elizabeth's jaw had immediately dropped to the floor and her eyes turned into grapefruits.

"WHAT did you just say!?!?" she yelled. "HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME!??!?!??!"

Will looked up at Elizabeth, his eyes had seemingly become much darker and his smile was now a grimace. He started toward her, still under Johnny's grip.

"How?" asked Will, "I'll tell you HOW: because you never appreciated my unremitting love for you ever since I first met you, because you made out with the dude I thought was my best friend, because you seemingly couldn't care about MY needs as long as the situation you're in involves some illegality to it, because you'd rather have sex with some random movie star more than me -!!"

"OUCH! That one had to hurt!" said Jack, pulling his mouth back and looking over shoulder.

"A-AND" continued Will, becoming seemingly deeply affected- instead of indifferent in his anger- and more melancholy. "You never tell me you love me anymore."

Jack and Johnny (who was still holding Elizabeth) ran towards each other and rested their heads on the other's shoulders and went: "AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!"

Johnny and Jack ran over to Will, Elizabeth now being dragged by her hands on the floor, and hugged their melancholy widddle William.

"That is sooooooooo freaking sad, brother!" Johnny tapped his chest with his fist and gave Will a peace sign. "I feel ya', man."

Johnny was so distracted with his love-giving that he didn't notice it when Will grabbed his head and thrust it into his own, causing Johnny to fall to the floor.

"Da-amn, that was easy." Said Will, un-cuffing Elizabeth and reapplying them to Johnny's wrists behind his back and around a tree.

Jack (who had let go of Willy along time ago) sashayed over to the cooler before grabbing a water bottle and falling onto the floor, pouring it over his head. He's a maniac... that's for sure. Meanwhile, Elizabeth confronted Will.

"Nice, Will!! That was ingenious!" she said.

"Don't you think for a second that you're off the hook." He said, staring menacingly at her. "And don't think those things I said still don't get me angry."

Elizabeth groaned.

"Oh, come OFF it, Will, I mean all I did was-"

"Do you think this is FUNNY!?" Will asked. "Because it ISN'T… I hate it and you should stop pretending like it's a JOKE!"

"Actually, from my point of view it's hilarious." Jack said.

Will turned to Jack, his face red.

"Yeah- NOT helping, Jack."

Will and Elizabeth continued their bickering, yelling, accusing and all around name-calling.

"You NEVER liked ANY of my friends!" yelled Elizabeth.

"That's because your _'friends' _were street mimes!! If you listened to me for a SECOND you'd know I HATE mimes!!"

Jack decided that this was stupid, and went back into the tent to sleep.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: If you thought this chapter was pointless (like this entire story actually is…) I tell to you now that there'll be significance in it later… but, for now… it's RANDOM!!! And I thought it was too long to continue into the next chapter. I hope people got that "Maniac" reference.


	22. The Reason He Can't Go

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Lucky Charms, or General Mills… you'll see why.

Jack had slept inside the tent for another three hours while Will and Elizabeth resented each other for the entire morning, glaring at each other and folding their arms.

Jack woke up when his stomach told him to. Jack ignored his grogginess and stumbled out of the tent, an oddly confident smile on his face.

"Will?" he asked. "Is there anything to eat for breakfast?"

Will nodded, but still retained his upset-ness.

"I think we have a few bananas and some cereal- assuming that my fat pig of a girlfriend didn't already eat it."

"OH, OH!! _I'M_ FAT!?" Elizabeth turned to Jack, a maniacal smile on her face. "YOU SHOULD SEE THAT TUB OF LARD IN HOT PANTS!!!"

"THAT WAS _ONE_ TIME THAT I HAD LOST MY FIGURE: _ONCE_!!! I WAS DISTRAUGHT BECAUSE MY FIANCÉ HAD KILLED MY BEST FRIEND!!!" Will yelled.

"Oh, come now, William, you never liked me." said Jack, unpeeling a banana which, it turns out, Elizabeth did not eat. "Oh, and _please_ don't bring me into your little hissy-fit… if you've got problems then work it out amongst yourselves: I just want to eat breakfast."

Jack sat on the ground and started to eat some Lucky Charms.

"These marshmallows ain't half bad!" said Jack, stuffing a handful of marshmallows into his mouth.

"You better be eating the cereal too, Jack- we don't want that box to go to waste." Said Will. (Jack rolled his eyes and ate all the marshmallows anyway).

Will and Elizabeth briefly watched Jack eat his breakfast gleefully, smiling and humming a happy tune that the two were unfamiliar with. Jack was soooooooo happy, it concerned the feuding couple.

"Jack- are, are you okay?" asked Will. Jack looked his way and smiled.

"Well, yeah! Of course I am!" Jack said, returning to his cereal and smirking.

"Well, why?"

"Because-" he started, "Today's the day you're going to tell me why I can't kill Johnny which will tell me when I CAN kill Johnny."

Will sighed and Elizabeth looked at Jack.

"Jack-" he said, "I- I'm not sure… well…"

Jack looked up, concerned that there may be something wrong.

"What… What?" Jack asked.

"Well, it's just that…" Will paused, "I don't think you'll believe me."

Jack laughed and faced Will.

"Oh, William-" after this word, Jack's face turned serious and he stared down Will. "There is _nothing_ too amazing in this world that I won't believe... really… it's SCARY what I've seen…"

"Well…" Will started. "It's not that we're stopping you it's just-"

"YOU'RE NOT STOPPING ME?" Jack jumping to his feet and looking around his feet. "GIVE ME SOMETHING HEAVY- NOW!!"

"Jack, you're not going to kill him." said Will.

"Yes, I am- especially if there's no-one stopping me." Jack said, smiling.

"You're not going to kill him."

"Yes, I am."

"No, you're not."

"Yes, I am."

"NO, you're not."

"Yes, I AM."

"Jack- stop arguing."

"I AM!!" Jack was getting pissed. "I'm going to kill him!"

"Not now."

"Maybe not right this second, but once I find something to hit him with, I will! Besides, how the hell would you know what I'm going to do?"

"The reason I know you're not going to kill Johnny is because you don't have it in you."

"What? You don't think I can kill him? I'm a bloody pirate! I'll kill him right now unless you give me a good reason not to!"

Elizabeth stepped forward.

"Oh, come now, Jack- who have you killed before?"

"Well, Barbossa, for one!"

"And…? Who else?"

Jack was stuck- he really had only killed one person before, and technically, that one didn't count because he was resurrected.

"Crap." Jack said, underneath his breath. But, then, he thought of somethin' gooooooooood.

"Oh, yeah?" Jack asked, smiling. "If you know I'm not going to kill 'im… then why are you so worked up about stopping me?"

Will maniacally looked to Elizabeth (biting his bottom lip) as she shrugged.

"Aheh… heh… yeah…" Will said, smiling. "WE hadn't really thought of that…yet."

"YOU LIARS!!!" Jack said, putting his hands on his hips. "Were you just trying to discourage me? You actually feel sympathy for this guy? I think I'll kill 'im right now just to get back at you guys!"

Jack started for Johnny when Elizabeth and Will panicked and held on to Jack's legs, bringing him to the ground.

"NO, JACK!! PLEASE!" they both yelled. "YOU'RE KILLING AN INNOCENT MAN!!!"

"That bastard shredded my dignity like a person shreds, eh…" Jack tried to think of something. "He's a jerk!"

"JACK, THINK ABOUT THIS FOR A SECOND!!"

Now, Jack was clawing for Johnny, the others digging their fingernails into his legs.

"I'M DONE THINKING!!!"

"H'yeah… that's for sure."

"Shut up!" Jack yelled.

And, wouldn't you know it? That was the last thing Jack uttered before Elizabeth picked up a rock Jack was too egocentric to use and stuck him over the head- and he blacked out.

When he woke up, he was looking toward the forest's canopy and the small trickle of orange light that shone through the break in the trees.

"_Heh… pretty…_" thought Jack. "_Why am I moving?_"

Jack looked around and realized that both his hands and legs were bound by those little plastic thingies that are sometimes on packages and stuff and they are FREAKING hard to get off.

"AUGH-ERG!!" yelled Jack, struggling with his arms. He tilted his head backwards to see that he was being dragged across the ground by Will, who looked back once Jack started yelling.

"Oh, you're up." Will said nonchalantly.

"Where are we?" asked Jack, angrily.

"I'm not telling you, Jack- I'm not a simpleton." He replied.

"_Damn! Ah, great… a freaking Pirate Lord and here I am: bound by a whelp and a whore… the guys are NEVER going to let me live this down…_"

"Hey, Elizabeth! Jack's up!"

"Oh, good- I think we should stop soon- it's getting late!"

"Alright!" replied Will.

Jack's scarred back was now stopped- positioned right on top of a particularly pointy rock.

"Ow! Will! Rock!" Jack thrust his back toward the sky and yelled at Will again to move him.

"Okay, okay, I'm coming!" said Will, rolling Jack onto his face and then rolling him back on to his back, where there were no rocks.

"_God, this is so demeaning._" Jack thought to himself, sitting up.

Jack took into account the darkening sky and his face became horror- stricken.

"Have we been walking since morning!?" Jack looked around and realized Will had been caring the thingy that held the tent and Elizabeth had been rolling the cooler and other miscellaneous things.

"No, only for about fifteen minutes." Said Elizabeth; Jack sighed.

"Ah, thank God." Said Jack.

"Not like we're letting you go: you're going to stay bound."

"Pfft… I'll find a way out…" Jack said, reexamining the two and realizing something that brought a ruffle to his eyebrows.

"Where's Johnny?" asked Jack.

Elizabeth looked toward Will eagerly and Will nodded his head.

"We let him go!" she said, as if it was the most exciting thing in the world.

"_What_!?" yelled Jack, his mouth dropping.

"We are leaving the Bahamas and we are leaving Johnny- we left him freely and when he wakes up, well, he'll find a way back- we'll already be out of the country by then."

Jack was hardly breathing and could not believe the predicament he was in. He started to rub his pulsating temples and thought of every swear he could.

"We're sorry, Jack, but there's nothing you can do this time."

"There'll ALWAYS be something Captain Jack Sparrow can do! You guys expect me to just forget about Johnny and go about my life! You forget I've been at this for MONTHS: I've broken my leg, had to ditch some French psycho-bitch TWICE and do a bunch of other crap!"

"You got out of those situations either because there was a flaw in your opponent's plan or you were just lucky… your luck's run out, Jack… there's nothing you can think of so ingenious that can get you out of this." Said Will, setting up the tent.

Jack already had a plan.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: there will be only 2 chapters left until... THE LAST CHAPTER OF THE SERIES!!!!!!!!!!! AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!!!!!!!!!! OMG!!!!!!


	23. The Master Plan

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I'm sorry… READ THIS, READ THIS, READ THIS, REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAD THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!

There seems to be a miscommunication- well, I just wrote something wrong, actually. I said in my last chapter there was going to be two chapters left until the final chapter… that is incorrect. The next chapter IS the last chapter… INCLUDING THIS ONE, there are only TWO CHAPTERS LEFT!!!!!! OMG!!! OH, MY GOD!!!! OH, MY GOD!!!!!

Our hero, Jack, was last seen bound by his hands and legs, resting on a tarp on the floor. Another night had passed since yesterday and Jack was battling with himself: trying to figure out if he should go through with his plan he thought of yesterday or not. He had two sides of him wrestling with each other over the idea.

"_I say he does it!_" yelled Edward.

"_I say it's demeaning!_" yelled Todd. (If you don't remember these two, reread chapter 16)

"Well, you guys better decide soon, 'cuz if I don't do this I have no idea how I'm gonna' get out of this," said Jack to the two.

Todd rubbed his non-existent temples and said, "_Jack, this isn't going to work… I HIGHLY doubt Will is going to-_"

"_THAT'S the kind of thinking that never gets us ANYWHER!!_" Edward exclaimed. "_You're Captain Jack Sparrow! You can do anything! You've come back from the freaking dead! You not only defy the laws of society, but the laws of NATURE!_"

"He does have a point there, mate," Jack said, addressing Todd.

"_Well,_" Todd said, looking form side to side and putting his finger under over his mouth,"_ I…I …_"

Edward and Jack awaited an answer from Todd.

"…_oh, damn-I don't know…_"

"YES!!" Jack and Edward yelled, high-fiving each other. Now that Jack was resolved he _was_ going through with it, he smiled widely and his two split-personalities dissipated.

It was roughly ten in the morning and Jack waited, smugly restraining his excitement until about fifteen minutes later, when Will woke up.

Will tried rocking Elizabeth by her shoulder to wake her up, but she groggily muttered something and told him to go away.

Will shrugged and stepped outside the tent, eyeing Jack.

"So, you didn't run away, I see."

"Running is impossible- I would have to roll," Jack said, cocking his head. "And I refuse to demean myself."

Jack smiled, his head rocking slightly.

"What are you so happy about?" asked Will, grabbing a bottle of water and downing half of it.

Jack immediately frowned, not wanting Will to be suspicious of anything.

"Hmm?" Jack asked, pretending like he didn't hear him.

"Nothing," Will said, "What're you hungry for?"

"Nothing, say-I got a question for you, Will," Jack began. "When do you think our fair Elizabeth is going to wake up?"

"Why do you ask?"

Jack shrugged and said, "Curious."

"I dunno'… looks as if she's gonna' be a while… she hates mornings."

"Oh," Jack said, "Okay…"

Jack mentally did a touchdown celebration dance. It was after this mini-mental party that Jack decided he was to wait no longer and was going to start the first step of his plan.

"God, I hate these clothes," said Jack.

"Hmm?" Will said, turning to face him.

"It's these clothes-we've been wearing them for, what? Three days?" Jack said, pretending he couldn't bear the thought of being in his clothes. "They're getting dirty and gross…"

Will took the time to examine his own clothes, rendering him with a look of disdain on his face. Will grabbed his vest, brought it to his face and sniffed.

"Oh, yeah…" Will agreed. "They're starting to smell…"

"_Wait for it…_" Jack thought.

"I don't think Elizabeth's stuff is too clean either…"

"_Wait for it…_"

"God knows when we've washed them last…"

"_Wait for it…_"

"I think I saw a stream a few hundred yards back…"

"_Wait for it…_"

"I think I'll take our clothes and wash some of them…"

"_YES!!! MY PLAN ROCKS!!! GO ME-EE, GO ME-EE, GO ME-EE!!!_"

Of course, on the outside, Jack pretended to be slightly disgusted.

"You're just gonna' leave the three of us here _stark naked_?" asked Jack. "You perv."

"Oh, you're so immature, Jack!" yelled Will, "Of course I'm not… we'll just do a few articles of clothing at a time… besides, we can wear some of Elizabeth's things…"

"You do realize that sounds even more perverted, right?"

Will rolled his eyes.

"Shut up… desperate times call for desperate measures."

"Will, you know I'm the only one who can truly trust you with my shirt."

"Oh, I'm not going to wash them…" Will said.

"Oh?"

"Elizabeth is… I'm not a simpleton, Jack," he began, "I don't know if this is part of some stupid plan, but I'm not going to leave you and the oh-so sexually susceptible Elizabeth alone together: I'm staying here."

"_YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!!!! HE COULDN'T BE MORE OF A HELP TO ME THAN HE IS NOW!!!! I LOVE YOU, WILL!!_" Jack mentally yelled.

"I'm absolutely fine with that," said Jack, mentally doing cart-wheels and spirit dances.

"Alright…" Will said, taking his poofy blouse off.

"Ooooooh… so kinky, Will," said Jack.

"Shut up… I'm going to wake up Elizabeth- the sooner we get these clothes washed, the sooner we can leave."

Will disappeared into the tent as Jack was congratulating himself and Todd on the success of the plan so far.

"_Don't be so quick to celebrate, men,_" said Edward, "_The hardest phase is yet to come._"

"_Are you always so pessimistic?_" asked Todd.

Elizabeth stumbled out of the tent, holding her head and taking some of her tank tops.

"Hey, hey! What about my shirts?" asked Jack.

"Hold on, I'll get it," said Will.

It was then that Will thought he caught onto Jack's plan… the simpleton.

"Hold on a sec'…" he started, "The only way we can get your shirt off is if we take off the handcuffs... what do you think, Jack, I'm stupid?"

"Yes, I do…," Jack said, nodding his head, "But what if I promise not to make a break for it? Or you could hold a sword to my neck, or something."

"Alright," said William, with no questions asked, "I think we _will_ do that."

Will unsheathed his sword and held it to Jack as Elizabeth ran inside the tent and returned with a key, un-cuffing Jack seconds later. Will held himself in a braced stance while Jack rubbed his wrists.

"Hurry up, Jack… I don't trust you," Will said.

"Oh, you're so mean…" Jack sarcastically pouted and pulled off both his vest and blouse, leaving him shirtless.

Elizabeth gasped and collapsed to the ground, her hands on her head and her chest tucked into her knees.

"Elizabeth! Are you o-"

"It's… it's…" Elizabeth began, "SOOOOOOOOO BEAUTIFUL!!!!"

When she looked up from her break-down, from her eyes flowed heavy tears.

"Thank you, Elizabeth… I'm flattered."

Will returned to re-cuff Jack and put the key back inside the tent.

Jack smiled and looked toward Will, who grabbed Elizabeth by the back of her pajama top (she got from God knows where) and lifted her up.

"Elizabeth- stop your balling."

"BALLIN'!!!!"

"What was THAT?" Will asked.

"Nothing," Jack replied.

There was a pause.

"Oka-ay."

Will helped Elizabeth up and gave her instructions on how to wash clothes (seeing as how she was an aristocrat and Will had to grow up… in the ghetto. Well, in the British ghetto… which isn't as ghetto as you'd think it'd be… but, still, most of them had to wash their own clothes and stuff…). Elizabeth nodded, stuffed the clothes into a bag and promised to return as soon as possible, skipping off into the foliaged abyss.

Now, it was just the two men… alone… together… without their shirts on…

Jack sighed.

"God, it's hot out here," he said.

"Yeah… sure… I guess it is," Will said, looking at the tops of trees.

"I mean, it is REALLY hot out here… hotter than the freaking sun!"

"Yeah, Jack, we know it's hot out he-"

"SUPER hot… and this whole forest thing ain't making anything better!" Jack exclaimed.

"How so?"

"Well, now, not only am I sweaty, hot, and handcuffed-" Will looked Jack's way when he said this, "But I'm dirty too!"

Will suddenly felt anxious… like he was expecting something to happen: but he didn't know what.

"I suppose this is what I get," Jack started, "For being a bad boy."

Jack pouted and stuck out his lower lip a bit, looking toward the ground.

"And now, you're punishing me, Will… because I was bad."

Will suddenly felt VERY anxious.

"Hey, Will?" Jack asked, changing the subject, "Did you know what I was doing last night?"

Will was trying to retain his composure, but couldn't stop his legs from shaking a little and couldn't help but sweat.

"No, Jack, what?"

"Well, I found that as I was asleep on the ground, I kept awakening because I would fall asleep on a couple of rocks…"

"Yeah, and?" Will asked.

"And, I would wake up because the rocks hurt… but then I realized, it almost felt kinda' good…"

"So, what's your point?"

Jack turned onto his back and looked up at Will.

"Well, these rocks…" Jack said, "They hurt…. But I LOVED it…I just wanted them to hurt me so more!"

Will was shaking violently, now.

"So, anyway- now, I'm hot, I'm sweaty, I'm dirty, I'm bad- and I want to be hurt!! Punish me, Will!! Punish me!!"

It took our brave Captain Jack Sparrow to screech these words to William Turner, a former blacksmith on this hot morning in a Bahamian tropical forest. But fret not, dear readers, for a Jack Sparrow can endure anything… even the intense make-out session that ensued seconds later.

Will just didn't have it in him to resist our sexy, shirtless Sparrow… but can you blame him?

Jack had to make it convincing, which was no hard task seeing as how he had man-whored himself in previous situations in his life. It was precisely forty-two seconds into their relentless passion that Will stopped and realized that Jack had his handcuffed arms around his waist.

A look of panic struck Will as his eyes widened and his self struck speechless.

"Oh, my God…, " he whispered.

Jack smiled and peered into Will's eyes.

"You- you tricked me…," said Will. Jack's smirk turned into a toothy smile.

"Sorry, mate…" Jack said, "But my first and only love is the sea."

Jack head-butted Will: knocking him out and leaving him on the ground.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: OH, MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE LAST CHAPTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT HAPPENS TO JACK!?!??!??!?!? WILL JACK EVER FIND JOHNNY!?!?!?? IF SO, DOES JACK KILL HIM!!??!??!?!?!? HOW?!??!?!?!?!? WHAT'S JACK GOT UP HIS SLEEVE!??!?!??!?!?!?! YOU DON'T KNOW!!!!!! WHY SHOULD I ASK YOU!???!?!?!??!?! TUNE IN NEXT WEEK FOR THE FINAL CHAPTER OF…

_**TARGET: JOHNNY DEPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**_


	24. The End

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Thanks to all who read and reviewed!!! SPECIAL thanks go to: Shelby McQueen, Dextriin, Flame of Fury, Captain Mera Sparrow, Lost but Found, Mrspatrickdempsey, Moony that Chick in Black and DeppnBloom for reviewing regularly!! EXTRA UBER SPECIAL thanks go to: Perfect Pirate Captain, Chicaga, Mother Nature's Daughter (:P) and Angel's Star for sticking with me from the beginning!!! Crack writing ROX!!! This has been so much fun writing TARGET: JOHNNY DEPP and I love you all for reading and reviewing!!! Hope you guys don't kill me for the ending. I ain't givin' anything away, but I know some JD fans're gonna' be PISSED. Oh, and if you think your name should be up here and it isn't, tell me 'cuz I did this in a hurry. Hope this chapter isn't TOO long.

And, now- THE LAST CHAPTER OF TARGET: JOHNNY DEPP!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jack Sparrow rolled onto the ground, his face buried in the dirt and his hand on his stomach.

"OH, AUGH!!!!!!"

The tiny three-inch Edward looked up at him from the ground.

"_Oh my God, are you going to BARF_?"

"NO, I'M NOT GOING TO BARF!!!" Jack yelled. "JACK SPARROW DOESN'T _DO _VOMITING!!" Jack took a deep breath and calmed down. "I'm sorry- it's just… augh… that was harder than I thought… that was- that was… nasty…"

"_Oh, come on, how hard can kissing a dude be?_" asked Edward, picking something out of his nails. "_It's just like kissing a girl except guys don't have junk in their trunk._"

"First of all, it IS different when you're kissing a dude because guys SMELL and, second of all, what the hell does THAT mean?"

"_Oh, he heard it in a Fergie song so now he won't shut up about it,_" said Todd, folding his little arms.

"_It's not MY fault she's Fergaliciou,_" he said, biting his lower lip, smiling and twisting his hair around his finger like a schoolgirl.

Jack sighed and spent about thirty seconds spitting out the Will-taste that lingered in his mouth then rolled over to the tent and frenziedly grabbed the key between his teeth and threw it into his hands. Five seconds later Jack was out of the 'cuffs and was maniacally tearing up Will and Elizabeth's bags.

"Soap!! Soap!! Where the hell is that stupid- gasp!!" Jack grabbed hold of the cleansing bar and brought it to his face. "SOAP!!!"

He smiled like a madman and rubbed his tongue against the bar vigorously.

"Eheh heh heh heh…"Jack said, smiling with the soap bubbles hanging off his lips. Todd and Edward shuffled across to Jack inside the tent and looked up at him.

"_You're crazy, man,_" Todd said.

"_You're AWESOME, man!_" Edward said, in awe of his giant counterpart.

"Thank you…," said Jack, grabbing a water bottle lying on the floor and gargling the water.

"_Now what, Jack?_" asked Todd, Jack looking back down at him, "_Are you going to go get Johnny now or what?_"

"Hell yeah, I am!!" Jack said, putting his hands on his hips like an angry women, "I'm gonna' beat the crap out of that bitch for makin' a joke out of me!"

"_Testify_!" yelled Edward.

"_Oh, you two are morons…_," said Todd, folding his arms. Edward gasped as Jack picked Todd up by his little legs and hung him upside down.

"_AUGH!! JACK!! JACK!!! PUT ME DOWN!! THE BLOOD'S GOING TO MY HEAD!!_"

"Well, technically you're part of ME… so calling me a moron would make YOU a moron too, wouldn't it?"

"Oh, he just BURNED you, Todd!!" yelled Edward obnoxiously, "Do you want some ice with that BURN??? I didn't know you were made of firewood… 'cuz you just got BURNED!! I hope you didn't pour gasoline on yourself because you just got-!!!"

"Edward…shut up," said Jack, facing Todd again, "Aa-and, technically, you're part of MY subconscious so you don't have blood rushing to your head because you don't exist."

"OH, BUUUUUUR-!!!"

"Edward… I told you to shut up," Jack interrupted. Jack turned Todd right-side up in his palm; the color coming back to the wee man's face. Todd put his hands on his knees and breathed deeply.

"_Does your plan involve making out with any men_?" asked Todd.

"My LIFE won't involve making out with men… that was disgusting," said Jack.

"_Yes, yes, yes- we know it was disgusting, you've told us that -what? Fifty times?- but just tell us how you're going to do it so we can start now_," said Todd.

"_Yeah, Jack- we want to know!_" said the ever-eager Edward. Jack looked down toward the both of them as if he was deeply offended.

"No way, guys! You guys don't even know if I _have_ a plan," said Jack, putting his hands (once again) on his hips. "That TOTALLY takes away from the Jack Sparrow-ness of the thing if one KNOWS what Jack Sparrow is going to do… however, pitying your sad little souls, I WILL tell you that you guys may not be out of my head to witness it…. If that's any consolation."

The two sub-consciousnesses were confused as Jack manhandled both of the screaming mini-pirates into his head, the two shorties dissipating on impact with his scalp. Jack stood in silence for a few seconds afterwards.

"I really didn't think that was going to work… glad it did."

And, with that sentence, Jack Sparrow ran.

Now, when we last mentioned Johnny Depp, Will said that he was untied and would regain consciousness soon. This was true. Johnny took one look around his surroundings and realized he was no longer imprisoned and, upon coming to the gates of the filming area, was greeted with maniacal exclamations of worry and relief. Everyone had been out looking for him- even Geoffrey Rush, Keira, Orlando and the other actors.

Keira's eye makeup had dyed her entire face different colors as she cried.

"OH- (gasp)- MY- (squeal)- GOD!!!!"

Keira attached herself to his torso and, with each passing second, turned Johnny's face a deeper shade of white.

"Kee-Keira…, "he started in a raspy, disconnected voice, "You're- you're cho-cho-."

"I'm what?" asked Keira, still holding on to him.

"You're choki-..."

"Huh?"

"Cho-…"

"Whuh?"

"CHO-"

"Huh?"

Johnny grabbed her by the back of her costume and pulled her from his body, the color restoring quickly to his face.

"YOU'RE SUCH AN IDIOT!!!" Johnny yelled in her face, turning around to face everyone who gathered around him. "LEAVE ME ALONE!!! I'M GOING TO MY TRAILER!!!"

Of course, he wasn't going to get off that easily. Several people of prominence (such as Orlando, his personal assistant, and others) were persistent in their questions.

"Du-ude!! Did you, like, ditch? We're not _that_ boring are we?"

"No, Orlando- it was, oh, nothing- you, you wouldn't believe me."

"Try me, man."

"Orlando, I really don't wanna' talk about it right-"

"Johnny! You HAVE to!" exclaimed his secretary (I've decided to name Alberto), "You can't just disappear for two days and come back being all 'Oh, I'm Johnny Depp- look at me!! La dee dah!! I can do whatever I want and just vanish for two days and I don't care- Doodle doodle doo'! It just-"

Johnny grabbed Alberto by the shirt.

"Alberto, if you value your eyes you will _never_ do an impression of me AGAIN."

Alberto shied away like the sad, little, wretched mouse he was. Johnny had to endure five minutes of being pestered (and fingering every other person that made him mad) until he reached his trailer and insisted he should be left alone. Unfortunately, Johnny was doomed to crawl in through one of the windows on the side and fall into his trailer instead of walking through the front door because he did not have his key (which was still in Jack's boot).

And now, I fast-forward to witty Jack; leaving Johnny Depp asleep and exhausted on a couch.

Jack had no idea how long he had been running, but knew it had to be more than an hour. He tried to look for familiar landmarks and clearings, but could recognized none: he stopped to rest and believed himself to be completely, wholly, and undeniably lost.

Jack decided that running was not necessarily the best idea right now: it was still morning, he had a plan about what he was going to do to Johnny and Elizabeth was too busy drawing a moustache on Will's face with a Sharpie to do anything (but Jack didn't know that last one).

Jack was grateful he had no shirt on because the morning had been a hot and humid one, fated to become even hotter. However, later on, bugs liked to swarm about him and the desire for his shirt had become greater with each hum and buzz of an insect.

At twenty-one minutes after noon, he approached the large, ordered-in fence he saw days earlier. However, there was something different about this fence- it was barb-wired.

"Ohhhhhhh… that's just perfect."

Jack quickly hid himself behind a thick tree just in case the currently empty area should a people decide to populate it. Behind the tree, Jack only had to ponder this predicament briefly before he knew that there was no alternative to jumping the fence.

"This is going to sting," Jack said, jumping out from behind the tree and flinging himself onto the barrier, climbing to the very last part of fence before the barbed wire. He looked up at the wire as if it was holding a gun to him.

"You think you're better than me, Wire?"

Jack wasn't sure why he was _talking _to the wire, but he found it oddly soothing and helped him cope with the situation at hand.

"You're not so sharp… you probably can't even break skin!"

The barbed wire said nothing.

"In fact, you're so tame yo' mama was chicken wire! OHHHHHH!!!"

The barbed wire said nothing. Jack knew that, now that he pissed-off the wire with his yo' mama joke, he would have to _leap _over the wire by fastening his boots in between the diamond holes, in which he would jump over the wire and avoid extreme pain. But, when you jump off a fence, it tends to hurt, too… but it's the lesser of two wicked and painful fates so Jack decided to go with that one.

Jack spent two minutes trying to stand up and support his ankles by leaning against the top bar of the fence. He held his arms straight out, like a circus performer, and prepared himself for jumping to the ground.

Jack was looking at the ground and the barbed wire with paralyzing fear, but quickly came over it by comparing this jump to the one he had done many months ago in the airport. It automatically didn't seem as bad and Jack smiled and slowly brought his right foot from its secured position and projected himself over the fence. But, alas, like most of the things that happen in this story, the jump went utterly and horribly wrong.

Jack did not clear the wire.

His boot got caught on it at the last second and dug into his shoe so, instead of Jack hurting himself moderately by falling to the ground, he was fastened to the wire and his body was hurdled into the fence like a dog on a short leash. He then fell out of his boot and landed on his head (which he conveniently was covering with his hands).

Jack suddenly did not care if anyone would have found him lying there on the ground because he was in so much pain. Jack did not say anything. Nor did he make any movements besides the occasional involuntary twitching of his eye.

"Ow."

There was a strange feeling in his wrist that Jack couldn't exactly place. He tried bring his wrist top his face but realized that, with each passing second he moved it, a sharp, shooting feeling in it prevented him from moving it even further. Jack instead sat up and brought his face to his wrist.

"Ohhhhhhh…" Jack said, "PERFECT!!"

As Jack looked upon his wrist, he found that it had the same limp quality as his leg had several months ago. It was broken. Apparently, covering his head with his hands wasn't the best idea- actually, I take that back, it's better than cracking a skull.

"Oh, come ON!!!"

Jack knew he couldn't let something as "trivial" as a broken left wrist be his ultimate downfall when he was SO close to achieving his goal. Jack stood up, letting his throbbing wrist hang lamely as he made his way around the enclosed space.

As Jack ran, ducking behind makeshift tents, trailers and the occasional gathered foliage, he ignored the pain and anxiety he was experiencing by thinking of what he had gone through in the past months: what he had conquered and how it was going to be all worth it. He was going to do this! He was going to do this!!

He had crashed a airport golf cart into a Starbucks, fractured his tibia, got checked into a psych ward, healed his tibia, escaped from a psych ward, managed to get on an airplane at O'Hare, subconsciously overcame a three-boobed Elizabeth, fell in love with a whore, fell out of love with a whore, locked said whore in a closet, rode in a plane, parachuted over Johnny's house, had his fiancée call the cops on him, got taken to prison, got his ass kicked by the same whore, flew on a small plane over the Atlantic, was the object of mistaken identity, met Orlando and Keira, made out with Keira, met up with Will and Elizabeth whom eventually betrayed him, and made out with his best friend- he got through it all and, now, he was here- at the steps of Johnny's trailer.

Not bad... at all.

Jack retreated to behind the trailer where he took of his shoe and grabbed the key to the trailer inside his boot. He then held it in his hand and laughed with excitement. He scanned the empty lot before dashing to the front of the trailer and digging the key into it's lock. A sudden rush of adrenaline surged through Jack Sparrow's body as he slowly unlocked the door.

The trailer was dark- there were no lights that emitted artificially from inside. Instead, the only source of light was from an open window, which cast eerie shadows upon the floor. Jack made sure to close the door inaudibly behind him- there was no sign that Johnny was here until Jack's gaze came upon the couch- Johnny's face was on the side of the couch away from Jack, and his body was sprawled upon it. One arm was draped across the top and the other touching the floor.

Jack did not want to event some clever way to kill him, he just wanted to get it done and over with. He grabbed a handle from the sink that was drenched in soapy water. He quickly made sure that it wasn't a spoon. It wasn't.

Jack melodramatically dried it off with a smirk on his face and lightness in his heart. He slowly walked over to Johnny, his eccentric stride being it's eccentric.

"Sorry, Johnny- but when you insult Captain Jack Sparrow you-"

Jack dropped the knife and his eyes widened as he gazed upon Johnny.

He was dead.

Johnny's eyes were wide opened as they stared lifelessly at the wall- his chest had already been pierced by a small dagger. The scene had left little mess but had a grotesque meaning behind it. Jack stood there motionlessly: not having a single clue of what to do. That's when he noticed a small piece of paper attached gently with tape to Johnny's shoe.

"_He couldn't have killed himself, could he?_" Jack thought morbidly to himself. Jack's melancholic theory was discredited as he pulled the note from the actor's shoe and read.

_To whomever may find it:_

_Yes, Johnny is dead. Shocking, isn't it? That the world's "greatest actor" is dead- nay- murdered in his trailer? Well, to many it isn't. _

_Edward, Ichabod, Gilbert, Donnie, Sweeney and I have felt absolutely betrayed for our entire lives. (Well, Johnny hasn't released Sweeney Todd yet, but we're pretty sure it isn't gonna' be good). All our lives, we've been ridiculed and judged by how Johnny portrays us in his movies and we're as mad as hell!! I mean, Edward is SO pissed at him. We had to put a stop to this before any other people were shamed by his inaccurate performance. We regret are drastic decision, but there really was no other way. Oh, and don't try to look for us- we're half way to __Colombia__ South America under assumed names._

_Sincerely, _

_W. Wonka_

_P.S. I do NOT wear my hair in that fashion!!! Though, I must say, the rest of his apparel was very similar. Kudos to the costume department. _

And, for the last time, Captain Jack Sparrow fainted.

Oh, and you can make up what happens next, because this story is fucked up as is.

The end.


End file.
